Starting when I was very little, I would see shadows at night on my bedroom wall and cringe. I would wait until I heard his steps, then I knew it was starting again. My own grandfather was touching me and using me in ways no child should be. I cried but my tears didn't stop him in fact they only made it worse. Just writing about this makes me look behind me and wonder where he could be. He told me would make no bones about killing me if I ever told. He even did animal sacrifices, including my then best friend, scruffy my puppy. He said I would be next so I didn't tell and it led to daily and nightly rapes when I came home from school and all the time on the weekends. Then when I was 11, my mom took me to a routine check up for school cheerleading and some news was given to me that changed my life forever. It made me wish I would have told (especially because I had started my period about 5 months before). The news was I was pregnant. My parents never found out who did it, I told them I didn't know who was the dad, which made my high and proud upper class family crumble.
During the beginning stages of my pregnancy, the rape continued, then as my pregnancy progressed he just touched me wrongly because my unborn baby was at a very high risk at that age. Also, he continued to make me do sexual things to him, like when I was really little. This all took place behind my parents back and I continued hiding while my pregnancy was going on, although in my belly, the proof of my grandfathers abuse was growing. I had my daughter when I was 12 and 2 months to the day. I'm now 18 and she is 6 years old. Recently my life turned upside down when I let my guard down and found out my grandfather was starting to touch Kate, my daughter. I wish I would have said something before, because Kate's life has become more messed up and I'm 100% responsible. Then last year I got pregnant by him another time and had a premature little girl Amber Lynn, who died not many days after her birth. I recently made a hard decision, the decision I should had made a long time ago. I'm taking my grandfather to court no matter what. He was forced to get a paternity test and the test proved to everyone he fathered Kate. This recently caused more problems for my family, but as far as I care, I only need Kate, and HelpingTeens for getting me through these hard times. I owe my courage to all that have helped me and others who are going through, have gone through, or may go through any type of abuse. I made a mistake and didn't believe the quote I heard all the time from counselors talking about sexual abuse in school: "Someone else could be experiencing abuse by this same person." I didn't believe it until it was too late after my little girl became a victim to the man I should had faced before Kate was hurt, or even before I became a preteen mother because of him.
PLEASE TELL!!! Not only will you help yourself when you tell, but you also help another child in this world by facing an abuser of any kind. Every abuser put away is another child's innocents saved, I wish I could have saved my daughters. I now feel stronger in a way because I know I can face my past with a positive attitude. A little girl I absolutely love was created, although by a act I now realize through counseling is never the child fault, Kate's existence helps me live on. I do wish everyday that I wouldn't have had a child so young, but I do have a child and I will always have a reminder of my life in the past and my future life. This will help me remember I am a women who will not put up with such things anymore, even though I am a young mother and a survivor of abuse, I'll be able hold my head up and be proud of being who I am, putting my sexual abuse/rape behind me and raising my daughter as an angel sent from heaven to snap me into reality. I will now help others deal, not as a victim like before but as a survivor.
I Sissy, am a survivor of sexual abuse from this day on, not a victim like I once was. The easy part is becoming someone's victim; the hard part is breaking the silence and becoming a survivor of abuse in this harsh world.