[Notte]

Where shall I start on this whole charade?
Well, lets start from the beginning.
I've known my friend Kyle on and off for the past six years. He has always been a good friend and I've always been attracted to him.
We lost contact for a year or more, then miraculously (a little over a week ago) found each other again on some dating site.
We hung out and the first night we cuddled (I've always been a cuddler, I was like that when we were younger too. He laughed and told me that I haven't really changed in that aspect, but then again, my personality has really change. So basically, still the same, yet still so different.
Anyways, we kissed. That had me uncertain of what we are - not going to lie, I am really attracted to him and do want to be with him, but he hasn't actually asked me.
The next night, he introduced me to his best friend Bryan. Kyle, Bryan, two more people, and myself were playing this game called 'Whose the biggest pervert' or something like that.
Bryan was cracking all of these jokes and hitting on me - then Kyle sent me a text that said 'Don't say anything, I'm going to play with Bryan.'
After that, he introduced me once again - as his girlfriend. But, I don't know if he was serious.

Then of course, I had to fly out to a different state, due to family matters. Kyle dropped me off.
While I was there, Kyle and I didn't really talk or text. Yet, Bryan and I did.

Well, Bryan said that he was breaking the "Bro Code" by telling me that Kyle had gotten the phone number from some girl (who is the daughter of someone he worked with) and was apparently really happy about it. I got really depressed and frustrated and confused.

These are some of the texts between Bryan and myself.

"...Oh, and don't tell him what I told you, k?" Bryan
"Maybe I should just sleep with him then, if he is so confused and doesn't know what he wants, that way it will get out of his system and he doesn't have to keep feeling guilty." Me
"Sweety...don't give up your body if you know your just gonna get used... don't you have any clue what a woman like you truly deserves?" Bryan
"No... No, I really don't know what I deserve." Me
"It breaks my heart to see your where I once was... don't you know you deserve better?" Bryan
"I truly don't think that I'm deserving of anything." Me
"Don't you know that meaningless sex will just leave you feeling empty... don't you ever want more for yourself?" Bryan
"Yes, I know it will leave me feeling empty, a disgusted with myself afterward". I don't deserve anything more though." Me
"You are... you deserve so much out of life. I just wish you could see it." Bryan
"My life really doesn't mean anything." Me
"Oh it does... don't you know your existence is given to you with purpose... otherwise we would be a mass of electrons created out of nothing meaning nothing." Bryan
"True." Me
"Just promise you won't settle for less, k... you and I both know that sleeping with people just to do so is not the right thing to do if its a relationship you seek." Bryan
"Yes, I know this, I just... I don't know." Me
"You know if you ever get lonely and want someone to hold you without trying to diddle your pooter I'm always here... besides you deserve a guy who will wait for you fyi." Bryan
"Yea, a guy like that probably doesn't exist." Me
"Trust me... good guys do exist." Bryan
"Yea right. Prove it." Me
"Well for what its worth I'll be your friend... and believe me, I'll find you some great guys you might wanna meet if your up too it." Bryan
"But what about Kyle? I couldn't do that to him." Me
"What about Kyle... he's awesome but I wouldn't waste my time if he's not even sure what he wants you know? Thats your choice though... however... you are beautiful and anyone who says that that has ulterior motives is a fool." Bryan
"Thanks, I guess. It's just... I really like Kyle. I don't know what to do." Me
"Ya... well I'm always here for you no matter what, k?" Bryan
"Thank you." Me
"Love you sweety, stay positive and please find it in yourself to have at least enough dignity to know your better than just a piece of ass. If you ever just want to go out and do something... it doesn't have to be a date... it can just be friends... I'd be happy to take you." Bryan


So, I got back and Kyle picked me up at the airport. Well, he brought it up, according to him, Bryan said that I should just sleep with him and get it over with or something along those lines. And Kyle was actually pretty mad about that. So, I explained to him the situation and why I said that, how I was told about that other girl and how he isn't sure. I read to him the conversation over texts between me and Bryan and I didn't omit anything. Well, apparently, what Bryan told me about the other girl wasn't even the whole story - so Kyle explain it. That night, we hung out and had a heavy make out session. But, really, it felt like I was the one who was doing everything at first. (Maybe I just needed to feel like he was still interested or something?)

Well, went home, fell asleep, new day. Then work. At work, I got a text from Bryan saying:
"F*** you don't ever talk to me... you showed Kyle all the texts I sent you."

At this point, I'm trying to explain to him what happened because I didn't want to lose him as my friend and that it was all just a misunderstanding.

"No thats not what I said either... f***ing stupid telephone game and loose lips sink ships so go f*** yourself."
"Ever EVER snitch... number one rule where I'm from."
"When did I ever say that all you wanted to do was f*** him? If he said that then he heard me wrong."
"The truth is you need to f*** off..."
"Whatever... you still snitched... so you can f*** off."


I was really upset, so I texted Kyle that Bryan was really mad at me and saying that I snitched when that really wasn't what I was going.
Kyle said "Don't worry, I have it taken care of."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Then, I was worried that Kyle was mad at me or wouldn't talk to me anymore. Which would really hurt because I do honestly care about and love him. Now, I'm getting texts from him and he seems happy and like he isn't mad. So that makes me happy... but that still leaves me really confused and frustrated because I don't know if anything was actually worked out or what? Or even where he and I are - if we're in a relationship or if we're just friends with benefits? (I really don't want to just be friends with benefits.)

And then, he is also leaving in a little over a month to join the Navy.

Someone please help.
Someone please explain.
Someone please just shoot me.

It is really leaving me with the desire to start cutting again.

[CausticTears]

Hey there,
Seems like you are really confused about this whole situation! As would I if I was in your exact position and went about it like you have. I imagine Bryan was trying to confide in you behind his friend's back and let you know that you shouldn't get mixed up with someone who is unsure of what they want. Which hey, I think is very correct. Seems like Kyle isn't sure if you guys should be a couple and is leaving you guessing. Have you addressed what's going on between you two? If you want to be a couple and not just fool around, tell/ask him then. This might sound wrong, but I'm gona say it anyway: think about the future too, if you do get involved with him and he will be leaving to the navy soon, is that someone you would be able to deal with? or something you want to deal with?

This is just a bit of drama that will get resolved soon hon, so don't worry too much about it, k? Everything has a solution and everything comes together in the end of an issue. And hon, if you respect yourself and care about yourself... others will have no choice but to do the same.

I hope I helped you some :hug2:

[Cindy]

I have to agree with Caustic. I have a feeling the Bryan really likes you, knows you like Kyle and doesn't want you to get hurt. Guys are weird like that. They don't even know their own rules to this game. Guys, even best friends will back stab each other if they know they have a chance at something the other isn't treating correctly or want more.

It's odd. Stand back and see what happens. Don't worry yourself over it but you did break some major trust with Bryan so if he will accept you back as a friend, be careful on that trust again.

[Notte]

This might sound wrong, but I'm gona say it anyway: think about the future too, if you do get involved with him and he will be leaving to the navy soon, is that someone you would be able to deal with? or something you want to deal with?

I really don't mind that he is in the Navy. That doesn't bother me at all. I mean... We've known each other for six years. Well, on and off for six years anyways. But whenever we reconnect - it doesn't seem like anything has really changed. I mean, we're different, we've grown older and learned. But, we're still just us. And, I'm used to waiting.

If he meets someone while he is gone. I will accept it. I accept everything, then put it away. If I am not what he is looking for, then I understand and I hope that he will find his someone in the future. Yes, I'll have that time of hurt and pain, but I will accept it.

Although, I don't know if I feel relieved or even more foolish or... what? Still confused, but feel I don't know. He and I, well, we umm. We had sex, made love? I don't know what to call it.

Afterward, we rested, went out for a cigarette, then he asked me if it would be ok for him to go home and get some sleep. He hugged me tightly, kissed my head. I stepped away, he pulled me back, hugged and kissed me. Then said he'd text me when he gets home (which he did), then told me that he'd call me tomorrow.

[Cindy]

Sex is different between men and woman. To him it could have just be a "F*ck" while to you because of your emotions it was "Made love". Even romantic love making can be considered a "F*ck" by a guy. Don't let that fool you. Most women don't have sex unless they are somewhat attached to the guy. So we are far more emotionally attached to the guy even if he doesn't feel the same way.

Don't confuse sex with the relationship at hand. Sex does not mean the guy wants you to be his girlfriend or even likes you in that way. There are things called "Friends with benefits" which is what it states, Friends that have sex. They either don't want to get involved in a relationship but want the intimacy of a relationship or they just want sex. This is what this relationship should like to me. I would NOT get emotionally involved any more then you already have. I would NOT have sex with him again either until he actually is in a Girlfriend/Boyfriend relationship with you.

Not all men are evil, but most think with the wrong head. He may not mean to be putting you through what you are going though but he is, and you need to be the one to get a hold of your emotions and take a step back and say "I DESERVE BETTER!" You are not a sex toy, you are not someone to just be messed around with. Until he is ready to realize what he wants, I personally would say "NO!"

[CausticTears]

I agree with Cindy here. It seems like because you are emotionally attached/are really into him, you are trying to rationalize everything by saying you guys have known each other 6 years and you guys seem to connect very well. It's cool that you guys have known each other for so long, but that doesn't change the fact that he is unsure of what he wants with you. He isn't anything other than a friend right now and if you are okay with putting all your feelings aside and going at this as a guy would, then have all the sex you want with him. But, if you are still contemplating if he will be your boyfriend any time soon, especially after having sex with him... I don't know. Have you straight up asked him? Are we just hooking up or do you want to be my boyfriend? Hon, this is all about choices here. If you are enjoying the time you are having with him right now, then enjoy it. But don't let it mess with you emotionally. If you are emotionally attached, I think it's best to back off (like Cindy said) and say no thanks to hooking up casually with him.