Hrmm.

[Discrepancy]

Long post, feel free to skip this and move on to the next thread if you want.



Edit: It's worth note that I actually read all the little descriptions of the sub-forums, but this doesn't seem to fall under anything. Maybe it's close to having to do with school. But not really. I don't think it falls under why me, because i'm not complaining so much as outlining my failures. And it doesn't fall under anything else. So eh, whatever.



I was wondering where I should post something like this to get this off my chest. I actually found this link at another forum I regularly visit, but on there i'm apparently the "Big Dog" so me posting something like this would be inapprehensible. Or I could be uber-kewliez and start a Xanga or something, but really i'm an attention whore and no one reads online journals unless you have something provocative to say, or like 11ty billion friends who you have meaningless conversation with. Not to say I don't have provocative things to say, that's how I became the "big dog" on this other forum (Apparently being an asshole gets me popularity and attention?), I just don't have pictures of me dressed up in black latex with a whip and a steel dildo engaging in a ceremony to open an enchanted black gate to Hell. So I decided to come here, for whatever reason is beyond me, expecting a reply the likes of "Damz dat sux man, well keep workn n shit dawg word u lyk 50?" or possibly i'll receive from some sort of senior member a psycho-analysis fitting of a thesis for a Harvard graduate school psychology class.



Anyway, here goes. Please avoid all projectile vomiting and keep your hands under the bar so when we release the monkies on you and tighten the bar on your arms, you can't fight back.



I am worthless. I don't mean that in the angsty nu-metal kid "damn I get the shit beat out of me a lot" sense, or the "my parents tried to sell me on the black market but the only people that were interested in me were strange businessmen from China and if I may say personally they gave me strange looks and were staring at my ass so i'm not comfortable about this situation" sense, but just I have no value whatsoever.



I'll start off in elementary school, for shits.



Basically, I was in your regular classes, except they decided to hold me back from first, for what reason is beyond me. I was put into "Pre-1st". That was spiffy. Moving onto 1st grade, apparently they thought I was intellectually advanced compared to the other kids. They gave me a standardized IQ test and I got a 158 or something, though don't get all flippant about how i'm intelligent or something, an IQ test only determines your future ability to learn. Anyway, they threw me in "Highly Gifted", which apparently you know, owns the shit out of those little regular gifted bitches.



Well, they didn't throw me in it immedately. At the time (I think they still are) the elemantry school I was going to had the only highly gifted program in the County. And it's pretty populated where I live, so that's saying something. So from 2nd to 3rd grade I was put in "regular" gifted because apparently you can't go into highly gifted until 4th grade, then at 4th grade I was entered into highly gifted until I graduated.



Now, let me try and explain to you the philosophy of this. In gifted, you did your work, and worked hard.



Highly gifted was coddling. You were there to be helped along into brilliance and ultimate intellectual glory, and you rarely did any work.



Ok, we had some fairly advanced algebra for like, 11 year olds. And yes, we went on trips to places other kids didn't at our school. And we did science experiments other kids didn't. But we didn't work.



If I had to take a guess, i'd say half the class had a substanial amount of "help" from their parent on all work (From essays to like, dioramas and shit), a fourth did all the work by themselves, and the other fourth did no work whatsoever.



I fall into that last category. I never studied. My mom wrote my papers, because she loved me and knew I wouldn't do the work, and I was (Still am) extremely manipulative and really acted like a weak child, when in reality I was preying upon my own mother so I could get out of work. Yet even with my incessant lack of regard for study, I always had the highest score in the class on tests. You remember those little math books you'd get with like the work in them? I'd be done with homework 10 minutes into class. And most people were envious of my ability to just not give a shit at all, and still ace everything. I was selected as the best artist in my county or something of that sort for my age group, and was offered a free trip to a camp in Seattle for art, which would normally cost $7000 to get into, not to mention the airfare. I declined, I decline everything.



I got into the habit of waking up late. And skipping school a lot. But I was one of the uber-smart kids, so I wasn't going to get shit. I was one of the best piano players, and the music teacher wanted me to do more. Ugh, whatever. I was in the choir thing, and I found that to be a pain. We had a daily television show, and they wanted me to be on that for the longest time, but I couldn't be arsed to get up 30 minutes before everyone else and get there and do whatever. I didn't care about A/V stuff, and of course they wanted me to be an anchor because I actually had some articulation about me, but I was like, meh. I did some other stuff too. I was the captain of the chess team and beat everyone there, including the teacher. I was the best basketball player in the school when we'd do little basketball tournaments. And I was the best kickball player, which was something everyone enjoyed playing at my school (Including the teachers).



But with that crap, I honestly never did anything. I was invited to be a People To People Student Ambassador, and I still get letters from them, but I decided against it. They require you to go to like Europe and Australia and all these amazing places i'd love to visit, but I really really dislike flying, been in planes that have had some really shitty luck before when it comes to getting caught up in weather and turbulence.



I don't know, i'm a quitter.



So all that is just to explain that I have the following 4 things:

1) No work ethic

2) No sense of responsibility

3) No experience with having to do something (IE- Getting a paper done, cramming for a test, etc)

4) A fucking fantastic jumpshot thank you very much



Now around um... 4th grade I fucked up. I was over-emotional at that time, really just fragile. I'm not sure where it came from, I guess I was just a pussy really. I still can connect with my "emotional" side, but I only do it when necessary, i'm an apathetic, quiet shit as it stands now. But anyway, our class always did some stuff. I don't exactly remember what we were doing, but um, it involved something. Heh. Wow, i'm descriptive tonight.



Anyway, someone I fancied as my friend ended up going with another group. I made some hissyfit, the teacher pulled me and my friend aside after the class was all at lunch, and decided that he was going to go with the other group. Or whatever.



At lunch, I sat next to someone I liked. Cute girl, I think I might've been attracted to her. Who knows. Anyway I figured I could trust her. And I was like, somewhat hysterical trying to hold back tears and all that. And i've always had acerbic wit. I think that might be my only good quality at all, because god knows i've got nothing else going for me. So I basically said I was going to bomb the school. I was hysterical as I said, and almost trying to show off. I pointed over to the end of the cafeteria talking to her, and was saying how i'd put the bomb behind the boxes or something. And then I said when is a day she wouldn't be there, and she said she was having a dentists appointment some day. And when we sorta chuckled.



I guess at the end of the table, I remember him now sitting there but I didn't then, was Matt. He was one of the people that did all their work, and just wasn't "good enough" or something. Not for their parents, but for them. He just wanted to be the smartest and most liked or whatever.



From what I can gather, he went to the highly gifted teacher (She didn't really like me, from what I could tell because of my attitude, or maybe she was trying to be harder on me because she saw my problems beforehand, I don't know) and she went to the assitant principal.



After lunch, I got called to sit with the assistant principal.



Oh, by the way, Columbine happened about 2 weeks before that time. So... Yeah.



And the vice principal/assistant principal/whatever the fuck sat down with me. She actually liked me because I had talked to her a couple of times. And I seemed to be a favourite of the principal himself, but aye, he ended up helping me out later. So we got down to "business" and I was just fucking drained from the entire day that after she brought up the cops and shit I just started crying. Man I couldn't fucking take that shit. The idea of being seperated from my mother just kept flashing infront of my eyes, and my mother throughout my life has been my only actual friend, and it was tough.



Ugh, so, I was taken out of school while stuff could be taken care of basically. I had to sit down with the DARE cop and the principal, and that lady just kept fucking drilling me with the same question over and over. Of course now I realize that's the most basic interrogation tactic there is, but you know, younger and much more naive, and I survived. My mother had her lawyer pushed for having everything taken off my record, which it was. The entire thing was covered up, pretty much. They didn't expect me to come back to that school, but oooh were they wrong...



So I was out of school basically for 40% of 4th grade, and then the summer. And I got really used to just watching the Price Is Right (Heh) and doing nothing. It is great to do nothing. I really, really enjoy doing nothing. It's my favourite past time. My second favourite is doing something. My third favourite past time is masturbation. My fourth is collecting trees. Fifth? I consider myself a lamp connoisseur if you will.



Anyway, I think that only added to my lack of discipline.



But when 5th grade rolled around, I went right back to that school. A mom brought up to my mother that she heard that a student threatened to blow up the school, and apparently my mother said "No... Really?" and acted all shocked and shit. I found that highly amusing.



I did fairly well. My mother still did my work, I still did my homework and tests. I aced everything. I aced the FCATs (Yes, I live in Florida), I got all A's on my regular in class tests, etc.



And to top it all off, I won the DARE essay contest. Heh heh. I didn't write the essay, though it's something I could've easily written as it was very basic. But man, that was great. I walked up to the little podium, and looked right at the DARE cop, and read my speech to the 5th grade class. I still have the Lion she gave to me, which everyone wanted, because you know apparently plush animals are like the hottest shiznit there is next to 17" chrome rims on a H2 and Britney Spears.



Um, I forgot where I was going. So yeah, I was on a bit of a high note coming out of 5th grade.



But woo... Middle school, heh.



I went to a Charter school, a new one that was built into this place that used to be a mall. It was a middle/high school. Fairly hi-tech.



Now, I got away with shit in elemantry for having good grades and being intelligent. That didn't work in this school. All they cared about was whether you were there on time (The rules for being even 2 minutes late were strict as shit), and if you got F's, well, who the fuck cares? You just have to be there.



I also didn't want them to know I was highly gifted coming in, so I just... Failed to mention that information, shall I say? I don't like expectations, especially when i'm self deprecating and never see how I could live up to even the slightest expectation set on me. Someone could say to me "I know you're going to do great things, and I expect that everytime you piss, you get up and go to the bathroom to do it!"



Now while I currently do actually piss in the bathroom, as oppossed to out a window or in a desk drawer, I think if someone placed that expectation upon me I would just sit still and piss myself. While I can do it and usually do, the fact that I am expected by someone else to do it is totally different and would freak me out.



Anyway...



Science was as boring as humanly possible. I despise Earth science in all its forms. Leearning about organisms and the sort, while i'm sure extremely rewarding, bored me fucking senseless. I wanted to learn space science. Mmm... Space science. Other planets and blackholes and how the universe was started, now that's cool. I do not want to dissect a frog. I don't want to make a poster commemorating mantees. I don't need to know what the fuck leaves are made out of. I rarely did homework for this class, and ugh, whatever.



Math was alright. Tough New York teacher, knew when to bring me up and pull me down. I enjoyed her muchly, and while I wasn't doing great in math, I was making progress.



Reading, (Seriously they had a class for reading.) ugh, how easy was that. Half the books they gave me I read atleast 4 years before.



English, yeah, not my strong suit. While i'm literate enough, i'm really not into the specifics. Pronouns and nouns and verbs and abysmal demons and you know, whatever, that's just not my cup of Lipton ice tea. But I was doing alright.



History I was fine at.



Except I still had a problem with getting up late. For elemantry, you had to be in by like 8:30. That was easy as shit I soon realized.



This charter school was 45 minutes from my house. School started at 7:30 if I remember correctly. Factor in the fact that I had to shower, get dressed and eat breakfast. Now consider the fact that I go to sleep very late at night. Also the fact that by the time you get out of school it's 3:30. Then 45 minutes back to my house. Lunch, and dinner. And also 3 hours of homework. I have no social life, so I thought I could handle it. No, I couldn't. It was just too much work for me.



So I started coming in late, and they dug into my old file from what I can gather. Found out I was highly gifted. Since I was a registered highly gifted student, if they put me in "higher" classes they would get $2,000 more per year for me from the govenrment as opposed to "regular" students. They... Didn't force, but rather asked incessantly if i'd take higher classes. Finally I said yes.



Oh, I guess I had failing vision at this time as well, which made it quite a bit harder on me. I didn't want to get glasses though. The stigma of being a fat kid was enough.



I'm tired of writing, i'll explain the transition as promptly as I can.



Regular Math (Basic math, nice teacher, good classroom, she actually writes on the board to accomodate to my vision - Honors Math (Advanced shit i've never taken before, young, amazingly attractive, ice cold bitch female teacher, sits on her computer the entire time, shitty room with too many kids and not enough air conditioning, puts shit up on a projector which I could barely see)



Regular Science (Earth science, rather boring) - Honors Science (Earth science with more homework)



Reading stayed the same, English stayed the same, History basically stayed the same.



It got the point where I was sick of it. I couldn't take all the shit, although it might seem basic I just wasn't used to it, I wasn't a fan of the verbal abuse (Even though my tongue was quick and I could reply with insults that would generally get the other person to shut their yapper) and my vision was getting worse.



So what did I call upon? Oh yes, my powers of manipulation. I manipulated my mother into believing it was the worst thing ever, and she started to let me miss school more. Eventually I basically dropped out and went into home schooling.



So I went through about half a year of middle school.



Now, fast foward a year and a half. Coming up on two years now. I never actually started home schooling. My mother wrote up lesson plans, but she never taught them to me. Whenever the state asks for something, she sends them the lesson plans. She doesn't work, she takes care of her mother, though we do have enough money to survive. I don't work. I don't actually do anything.



My social life is nil. I can't actually explain it to you. Some of you might not have many friends, I have exactly zero real life friends. You know how often I go outside? Maybe 4 times a week. And at the beginning, it was almost nothing. I recently started taking martial arts, that's one thing. Once a week i'll go see a movie or something, that's two. And on average I tend to go grocery shopping twice a week, that's four times going outside a week. I talk over the phone now and again to people i've met online, but I had a hiatus without a computer for almost a year and a half and I only got another one about 8 months ago. Though people seem to like my personality well enough, i'm not really a conversationalist at all.



And as I said, i've done literally nothing for the last almost two years. Read a couple of books. Nothing special.



A couple of months back I was suicidal, but i've always been too much of a weakling to act on such things. Now that "couple of months back" is when I started realizing how I am in such a shitty position in life. While having a strange biological clock that has me going to sleep an hour later each night, and waking up an hour later and never doing work and just sitting online all day might seem great to you, after doing it for 2 years it becomes shit and you realize you're screwed.



I'm trying to get back into reading some classics, hoping to enhance my "intellectual ability" by doing so. Actually I don't know what the fuck the classics are, my mother just made a list of extremely long old books and all I told her to get me as well as those on her list was The Art of War. I highly doubt i'll be seeing any books anytime soon, libraries around here are pretty shit, and my mother is busy.



My mother wants to get her masters in clinical psychology, and she realized that going back to school is going to cost a lot. So money, and time is tight.



Knowledge wise, I am at square one. I am like a 6 year old. I was sitting in the dentists office the other day, and this mother was quizzing her son. I think he might've been 10 or something. And she asked him, "Ok, what's a right angle?" and I thought about her question. And I did not know the fucking answer. I don't remember what a right angle is. I remember that I used to remember what it was, but I was just stumped. I don't remember how to round. I barely remember how to do division. You want me to multiply in my head? Give me like 5 minutes. She asked her kid "What's 10 times 120?" And I was like... Jesus Christ. I can't believe I didn't get that immedately once I finally did get the answer. It took me maybe 9, 10 seconds to figure out? I don't understand why my brain didn't get it immedately. For some reason I went 10x10 = 100 therefore 10 x 100 = 1000, and then I just got stuck. Like I couldn't get 10x20=200 somehow. I didn't get what happened to me. So that's just to explain that I can't go back to school. If I went back to school, they'd more than likely put me in the first year of highschool rather than the last year of middle school, because i'm a year older than most. (Pre-1st would be the reason why i'm older than most.) And do you know what the fuck would happen to a kid who doesn't know 10x120 in highschool? Yeah, exactly.



Now, there's always the option of learning at home. After all, my mother used to substitute teach. But there is some sort of stigma with me and learning, especially at home where there is nothing. I'd also be scared shitless of having do actually do something, which i've never had to do before. If I haven't been able to do it in 2 years, I honestly don't see what could change. I'm so amazingly far behind anyway, it would be like the equivalent of fourth grade all over again. Except hopefully this time I won't threaten to blow up the fucking school.



Although, I have learned some things I guess. I've become quite set on my religious beliefs. I've grown a bit intellectually, I keep up with current events, I debate all the time about gay marriage and WMDs in Iraq and what have you on another forum (Seperate from the one i'm the tyrant on) with a bunch of people who are much older and smarter than me, so it's good experience. So I guess i'm alright in that capacity. If I ever had to right up a thesis on most social issues, i'd be alright. Just the thing is, social issues aren't exactly important when you're a teenager. It's a moot point.



And I want to get a job. I really actually want too. I wouldn't mind being a bag boy. I alluded to the fact before I was the "fat kid", well now i'm more the kid who's built like a truck and really isn't fat nor skinny nor muscular. Being a bag boy pays alright, and i'm strong so i'd be pretty proficient and you know, putting shit into bags. But you know, i'm young. And trust me when I say they don't want a kid being a bag boy. I will never work at a fast food place. I actually don't think i'd be allowed too since i'm still young. I will never work for like, $2 an hour. It has to be a bit more. Plus I can't really get a job anyway, so i'm fucked. I want a job, I can't get one, eh it's a pain.



And then there's love. And the fact that since I have no social life, I yearn to have someone who I could actually care for and give everything (Although with me, everything = nothing) too. But if I get into that, it'll be another 8 paragraphs, and it's 2 AM and my head hurts so i'm not sure if i'm down for that. Let's just say i'm needy, and I really wish I could actually have someone to care for outside of a LOL TEENZ0rz relationship on AOL!!!11one



So I can't go back to school. I can't learn anything while i'm at home. I can't get a job. I have no "social life", no ins with people, and honestly no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Pretty shitty for someone who used to be what I used to be. I've dug myself so far into this impossible to escape hole, that even if I tried to escape, my inability to perform under "pressure" would ruin it.



Maybe i'll check for replies to this. I'm not sure. I don't expect much. I don't expect many of you to have been able to sit through my profanity laiden tirade of irrelevancy and have been able to accept all the grammatical errors I probably made as a side effect of my tiredness. I even signed up under an e-mail I used for spam shit, just for reasons which are somewhat beyond me, perhaps because i've never been this honest before, I don't know.



It was just good to get this off my chest. Hey, atleat now I have documentation of all my failures.

[Rob]

I've read like.. 2/3 of it, sorry but I'm lazy . Anyway.., life's what you make out of it, so move along boy.



PS; Not meant discouraging in any way, it's just the way things are.

[o1lucky132005]

Hey, i actually read through your entire post, I guess I have no life. But it just hit home with me because I consider myself pretty intelligent (we don't have gifted classes at our school, i don't know why because we've got a lot of people i'd consider geniuses in our school) and sometimes I feel the same way you do. I'm still in school and all, but i don't really want to be there, my only motivation for going is to see the guy i love (of course he doesn't know i love him because i'm too scared to tell him, but that's another story). When people set expectations for me, i don't want to meet them. I'm so sick of everyone expecting me to do better than others just because i'm 'intelligent'. I spend most of my life in front of my computer doing absolutely nothing. I rarely do my homework until 5 minutes b4 it's due. I just got a job and i'm hating it because i'm expected to be there on time and do my work correctly, and i really just wanna quit right now. You are obviously a very smart person and even though it may seem like you don't know much right now, you really do, it's just stored somewhere in the back of your mind. If you could go back to school you would probably quickly remember things. I know it would be really hard to go back to school, but it would help you to get a job and maybe feel better about yourself. This reply is probably useless and makes no sense, but at least i gave it a shot, i'm not very good at giving advice. So, good luck, and i hope everything works out!

[Cindy]

So I decided to come here, for whatever reason is beyond me, expecting a reply the likes of "Damz dat sux man, well keep workn n shit dawg word u lyk 50?" or possibly i'll receive from some sort of senior member a psycho-analysis fitting of a thesis for a Harvard graduate school psychology class.

First you might get the "damz dat sux" thing, but usally people like don't last very long around here, and are usally ignored. And secondly, if a harvard grad sits on teenhelp all i have to say is GET A LIFE YOU WENT TO HAVARD!



You sound like a very bight young man. It sounds like all you need is a good kick in the ass to get going. You want to succed, I've gotten that out of your life story. What holds you back is your lazyness really. You have to somehow overcome your lazyness to go somewhere in the world. I wouldn't really fear going back to school. A quick refresher of things and you'll remember everything (I'm in college and i STILL can't do the 10x120 thing in my head!)



Thruthfully, i envy you on your past. I started kindergarden when I was 3 years old, but most of the kids in my school were 3 when they started. I'm in college now, paying for my high school classes since my teachers never taught the classes correctly. Its nothing like going home, and having your little sister look at your home work and then tell you EVERYTHING you did wrong *cries*.



You can make it in the world, talk to your mother as an adult and tell her your fears and what you want to do. She can help you out there. Only you can really go anywhere in the world and truthfuly, your a bright guy and you can go anywhere you want. You just need to talk yourself into it.



Cindy

[Zeek]

What is it that you want?

By making this post what did you hope to accomplish?



It seems like you're living a life based on fear.

You've lived a certain way your whole life... but now something in you, is questioning your whole reality... and I can imagine that would be scary.



You've become way too comfortable in this life style. I'm guessing people around you (like your mom) have accepted that you're always going to be like this.



You need to make a choice. Are you going to sit and continue your isolated life, or are you going to take a risk and get out of your house, and see the world from a new angle.



I think it's good you wrote your life story out, but my first reaction after reading it was, "Ok so it sounds like he's giving up..."



No one is going to make a change for you.



You have got to talk to people (in real life)... make some connections, talk to people about what's going on with you and this new phase of your life that you're scared shitless to enter.



*shrugs*

just some thoughts about what I got from your lifestory