My Goal In Life!

[yoaliens3000]

hehe the 100th post is MINE

[spatulaoflove]

but I"M THE 101TH i feel very dalmation right now WOOT!! i'm a dog!

[~FallenAngel~]

I wanna post to!

[spatulaoflove]

my friend wrote this and i thought it was funny (and i don't want htis post to die)





So you want to be a pirate, aye? Step aboard Jack and learn of all the different tricks of the trade and ways to start acting and being more like a buccaneer. You?ll find this information a treasure trove so stick on to it me harties. Where can you show ye true pirate spirit and how do you go about it, you ask? Pirates 101 is here, so read carefully if you want to be a true freebooter.

Harr harr, so if you?ve made it this far matey, why not go even further? Arr!

Home Depot

Enter store and walk around casually ignoring the countless stares you are receiving due to your clothing. Find where all the lumber is kept. Buy plank. Save money for rest of ship. Go to checkout counter and purchase plank. Pay with gold coins. Give excuse that ?me booty was plundered from a marooned landlubber.? Exit store.

Air and Space Museum in Washington DC

Enter museum front doors and proceed to walk into galleries. When stopped by ticket-man or woman, scream at the top of your lungs ?Arrr, shiver me timbers!? Act extremely shocked and proceed to threaten. Use following vocabulary, ?arrr arrr matey! I?ll turn you into a bilge rat if you try to stop me from going through, savvy?? Calmly enter museum. Proceed to complain to fellow tourists that the space shuttles and rockets aren?t ships as they have become to be known and as it says on the plaques. Leave comment in comment box to be assertive and demand the error be corrected.

Hoover Dam

After hopefully saving enough money for ship, attempt to commandeer it into the Hoover Dam. Call all hands on deck. Raise flag then order the cannons be fired. Destroy dam. Calmly watch as all structures and living things in the path of the rushing water, are brilliantly swept away. Enjoy viewing any hellacious ball of fire that may appear due to the immense death and destruction in front of you. Stay calm- the landlubbers can?t catch you. Commandeer ship away from the site. Act as if nothing happened. Lower flag.

Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum in New York City

Due to lack of funds, dive in water a mile away from the museum and swim to ship to avoid paying to get in. Once inside, calmly sneak to the bridge and attempt to commandeer the ship. Scream ?Ahoy matey!? Call all hands on deck and persist that they get the ?galleon? away from port. Demand, ?Three sheets? be raised into the air and scream, ?Starboard! Starboard!? Realize the ship works by an engine. If the sailors refuse your command, fire cannons to show the gravity of your demands. If they continue to refuse, use plank you purchased from Home Depot and make all sailors walk the plank. If all fails, graciously sneak away from ship and refuse to accept failure. Repeat process the following week.

The Gap

Suspect everyone and everything. Challenge mannequins to duels. Draw your sword and stab figures. Realize they are fake. Calmly put sword away and try to fix ripped clothing. Decline help from salesclerks who are only asking you for help since they work on commission and noticed your odd/dirty/ripped clothing. Proceed to dressing room and shout ?blimey! Blimey!? while tearing apart clothing with dagger. Leave clothing in dressing room and leave room casually despite the manager demanding you pay for the damaged goods. Respond by saying ?well, sink me! Those were yours?? Proceed to run out the door while the alarms go off. Shop at Old Navy the following day. Realize it is a clothing store and not an armada auction. Go into serious self-denial.

In the Street

Once again, suspect everyone and everything. Constantly handle dagger while walking furiously. Mutter to yourself. If any negative comments as to your conduct are received, threaten to embezzle the accuser. Constantly search your ?purse? for gold coins. Purchase the occasional pretzel in the street. Request them sea salted. Berate police officers when they claim there is a bounty out for you. Explain that some fish are meant to be free. Offer the occasional donut. If all else fails, demand parley.

Avoiding Mutiny

Explain to your mateys that if there?s ?no prey? then ?no pay.? Casually murder first mate in the middle of the night and proceed to throw his body in Davy Jones' Locker . In the morning, act casual and pretend as if nothing happened. Express sympathy for the ?marooned bucko? and convey the urge to continue life without him. Appoint loyal supporter as first mate. Repeat process if necessary.

Speaking Like a Pirate

The first step is to always say ?Harr harr? when referring to absolutely anything. E.g. ?Harr Harr, we?ll get those blimey fools next time.? Always toss in the word ?scallywag? when referring to traitors. Constantly say ?aye? when acknowledging someone is speaking. Randomly toss in the phrase ?yo-ho-ho.? E.g. ?Yo-ho-ho matey, the booty is ours and the scallywag?s dead!? After committing a crime, explain to any witnesses that ?dead men tell no tales? and quickly flee the scene. As for the accent, create a mix of Australian and British while not being extremely biased towards a specific one. Keep it real and keep it cool. At all times, keep a parrot on your shoulder and ask, ?Polly want a cracker?? Always ignore the answer and immediately proceed to teaching parrot obscenities.

Raiding and Looting

Constantly remember, ?Dead men tell no tales? and consider that at all times especially while looting. Refuse anything but gold. Burn all that is otherwise. Set up a code of conduct with fellow pirates prior to a raid. If during a raid you find a ship captain holed up in a small space and he wants to ?negotiate,? send your captain?s regards and mercilessly loot him of his booty. After a raid, burn all evidence of your presence. Of course, the raging fire is evidence enough. Leave just one survivor to tell the tale. Feed the rest to the fishes. Enjoy and watch with pleasure as your pirating legend spreads like a wildfire.