The Ho, Ho, Ho Thread

Ahh... The Chit-Chat forum. Please have all chatting here.

Moderator: The Lounge Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
VittorioCole
Loyal
Posts: 492
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:37 am
Contact:

The Ho, Ho, Ho Thread

Post by VittorioCole »

Heard a good joke lately?



Post it, fools! :cool: Keep it semi-clean, not too much racisim, please. However, if you're offended by something, please, try to remember.. its a joke. If it causes too much strife, i'll ask the Mod's to delete the offensive post. Thanks, and enjoy! :)



Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
[CENTER]So you're the fire and I'm the water.

I am the balance and you are the color.

I won't forget you when we're not together.

This is the ending, here's my surrender.[/CENTER]
User avatar
Draco
Loyal
Posts: 288
Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2003 11:14 pm
Contact:

Re: The Ho, Ho, Ho Thread

Post by Draco »

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.



They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.



When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:



"Make 'em all ugly again".
Your life is only as good as you make it. The hardships of life will bring any of us to our knees. No matter how high-spritied, no matter how optimistic. It'll pull us down, drag us through the dirt. Our lives will feel empty and pathedic, we'll have everlasting sadness. Though we must wait it out, beacuse this is usaully only a temporary thing. You must keep faith in yourself, while keeping faith in others. Protect the ones that hold and love you, for they are the most important people in your lives



Image
User avatar
Lena
Veteran
Posts: 8551
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:03 pm

Re: The Ho, Ho, Ho Thread

Post by Lena »

Hahahaha, I didn't expect that last wish. :lol:
Woman can not live on tea or chocolate alone.... but she can give it a damn good try.
User avatar
sinical_sycology
Loyal
Posts: 364
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2006 2:56 am

Re: The Ho, Ho, Ho Thread

Post by sinical_sycology »

i have tons





1) Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries

they had

performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist

lost 7 fingers in

an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private

concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and

legs in an

accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field

events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a

cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a

train traveling 80 miles an hour.

All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's

president of the united States



2) A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it

on the sidewalk, and says to him, :Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick. That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."



3)A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"



Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her The Government. We are here to take care of the people, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."



So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.



The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."



The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."



The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."



George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."



George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.



The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water; he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.



HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.



"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.



The devil opened a third door.



In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,doing what she does best.



George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said....



"MONICA, you're free to go!"
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" - Jesus Of Nazareth -



"An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one." - Moliere -



"There are well-dressed foolish ideas, just as there are well-dressed fools." - Nicolas Chamfort -



"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain -



"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar Wilde -



REVOLUTIONARY - An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor - Cynics Dictionary -
Post Reply