Ahhh... My Life Is So Screewwweeedddd Up

[okcomputer]

Alright. Well, my life is kinda screwed up right now and it's really starting to depress me. I need a little help. Two thing that are just completely fucking with my head. First, I should mention I'm a bi guy. On with the bullshit!



One, I'm dating a girl who is completely in love with me but I don't have feelings for her at all. This is a pretty classic high school relationship case and this alone has driven people to suicide. She is very over-emotional and shit. She tried to commit suicide the other day and that gave me like an emotional collapse. I'm not used to shit like that and it was just a complete shock. The next day I came into school and practically spent the entire day skipping classes and laying on the cafeteria floor. I was extremely emotionally exausted. I mean, I care about her. If she killed herself I would probably have a complete emotional cave in and drop out of school and never leave my house. But, anyway, there's more than that.



Two, as some of you may know, I'm rediculously in love with my male english teacher from summer school this past summer. I haven't seen him in over 2 months and I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone ever. It's really painful to just have this guy I will more than likely NEVER have constantly running through my brain. I have made multiple attempts at seeing him over the last 2 months. But everytime I try he's already gone. It's almost as though fate (if it exists) is toying with me. Just playing with my emotions. It's really annoying! I just want to see him again, ya know? And it's not like a typical like "Oh, I think he's cute" kinda thing. It's not like a normal crush. It's like, I would die for him. Before I met him I would look at guys like, ya know, hey, that guys cute. Now, I just don't care. I see someone who's attractive and it's just like... I don't fucking give a shit. That's not him, so I don't care. All I have now are pictures of him from my brother's old year book and everytime I look at them I feel so rediculously happy. He's perfect. He's godly.



So, yeah. Those two things combined are just ripping me apart. So my life is really fucked up right now. I get so depressed sometimes. When I get that way at school my friends are all asking my girlfriend what's wrong with me and shit. And I can't tell anyone because I'm still in the closet. The ironic thing is those two things are very closely linked. The girl I'm dating now, as I said before, is really in love with me. And she has been for the last year and a half, but we've only been dating for 2 months exactly. So she was asking me out like constantly last year and I was very reluctant about it because, like I said before, I don't have feelings for her. I don't even really find her that attractive. But last year I had NO concept of love whatsoever. So when I started summerschool and feel in love with guy, I realized what that felt like. And I was doing this to her for the last year! I felt like such an asshole and just caved and went along with dating her. I mean, I couldn't bare with myself if I put someone through this torture that I'm going through. It's not humane, it's just not right. Now everytime I see her I'm reminded of him and how lucky she is. How happy she should be and I'm not. I dunno. Maybe this whole thing with the teacher I'm in love with is just karma coming back to spit in my face for what I did to my girlfriend. I regret it everyday of my life. But I'm not happy. I'm glad that I'm making someone else happy, but that's not enough. I don't know what to do. It seems to make sense that I should just brake up with her and tell my former teacher how I feel, but I don't know what will happen. I'm afraid of the consequences. Worst case scenario (and most possible) my gf kills herself and my teacher never acknowledges me again. I'm so afraid that that will happen. And I just don't fucking no what to do. I'm so lost.



Well, I hope I didn't bore you too much. And sorry to those of you who are sick of my bitching but at least I added something to this one. This is the third topic I've posted that has something to do with the teacher I'm in love with. It's so painful. It's so confusing. It'ssssssssooooooooooooooo depressing. I just wanna leave this planet. But, I know, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it'll go away eventually. I just don't know how. And I'm so afraid of that.



But yeah. I'm gonna go sulk and wallow in self pitty now. Later.

[okcomputer]

Wow. I guess typing all of that was a waste of my time. I've never seen a post die so quick. That's not fun.

[nevermindmylife]

hmmmm... I think I would tell you two things... neither of which you may like



1) let go of this girl... if she is draining you so much it is most definitely not a good thing... and you don't care about her the way she cares about you... its not fair to lead her on the way you are doing so now, letting her think she has a chance of you loving her, when she clearly doesn't... you have to end it now before it only gets worse



2) forget about your old teacher... nothing is going to happen from it... even if he may be gay (closet or not)... he's a teacher and cannot go out with you without losing his job... and he would not risk something like that on a chance relationship... besides, it is not good for you to obsess over someone like that so much... you said yourself it will go away eventually... well to start that you have to make sure you do not allow yourself to try to see him, meet with him again and stuff like that... then work on not thinking about him... by encouraging those you only make things worse... so instead, go out and have fun, hang around with your friends, go goof off, and do whatever it is that you love doing...



hope that helps... but yeah, the best of luck to ya

[okcomputer]

I know. I just. I don't know. I wish it were as easy as that. But to make someone go through what I'm going through. I couldn't do that. The way she touches me. I can feel that she loves me. It's the same exact way I'd touch him. And it's not fair. It's not fair to make her go through loving someone she can't have. And it's not fair to lead her on. WHAT THE FUCK! WHICH DO I CHOOSE?! No one has the fucking answer to that. I'm so stuck. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. I can't fucking do this anymore. She means practically nothing to me and yet she causing me more stress than I've ever felt before in my life. And I wouldn't mind it that much if I didn't have this other thing burdening down on me. I wish I could just forget about him. I would LOVE that. BUT I FUCKING CAN'T. It's to the point where he is my only source of happiness. Ironically, he is also my main source of depression. ANOTHER FUCKING PARADOX. This isn't working out. I'm not even really looking for a long-term relationship. One descrete night with him would put me in a perpetual state of happiness. I'm not emotionally capable of handling this bullshit. I want it all to stop right now. And it won't unless I do something about it. In which I have to make a choice. Therein lies the fucking problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I don't know where to turn. I don't know fucking anything. I feel like I'm being held upside-down and bled to death. It's a complete mindfuck.

[okcomputer]

Well, I know no one gives a shit anymore. But, for a little update, I'd like to let you all know that I finally saw him today! Although it was a quick 5 second pass-by greet, it was the best 5 seconds I've experienced in a while. For like the first time in god knows how long I'm genuinely happy. I'm really, really happy. I don't have to fake it for once! Ahh. I've been waiting for this day more than anything for the last 2+ months, and it finally came. I can't even remember the last time I was this happy. It was kinda of weird though, cause the entire ride to his school I was thinking... today it's just gonna be like every other day I come to this school, he's gonna be gone already. I get there and try to go through the same door I always go through and it was locked. So I went through the back door and as I was entering I saw him through the window and just fucking ran faster than I ever have into the school. Oh man. Just thinking about how I felt at that moment still sends chills down my spine. In that very second, I think I was happier than I've ever been.



So yeah. I'm happy now. And it's so great to feel that again after being depressed for so long.