Feel So Stupid...

[Toy Soldier]

A few months back, as some of you may know, I went out with a guy called Neil and we were good friends.Until we split up. Good mates, then went out, split up, felt the consequences. And you know what, I feel so stupid for going out with him. He didnt even tell me he fancied me. I only knew when his hand was up my bra, his other hand trying to get my hand into his trousers...I didnt even know what was happening. He didnt ask me 'Oh, is it alright if I put my hand under your bra; may you put your hand in my trousers?' He didnt ask. And I was stupid, I didnt try and stop him.Why? Because my mind felt like slush, I couldnt be thinking properly.And I didnt push him away, because I didnt know what the hell he was doing, why he was doing and why I was letting him. And when I finally managed to drag him downstairs to demand what was happening, he said'oh, I fancy you.' Whereas with Becca and Liz, he didnt start touching them up. But that night, I didnt want him to do that sort of stuff to me. And not explain why.



Also, when Liz found he and I were going out, she told me I was being stupid. That he was only using me to get back at Liz for dumping him. And Becca agreed with Liz. And when I asked Neil, he was like Liz is ony trying to split us up. And then a few weeks after he split up with me. the following week he was really chummy with Liz and basically calling me 'frigid'.And you know what, I think I am. I never actually touched his penis, I was scared to. I just touched through his shorts. Yet, he touched me up, he fingered me...I felt like I was being rushed. Becca and Liz said we were, we should slow down. How could we slow down when he started stuff like that with me wndering why he was doing that sort of stuff when we were'nt going out? And then the week after he dumped me, he said it was likely 'I would never lose my virginity and if I did, I would be the last one in our gang.' And Liz had fallen out with me, and he was trying to drive a wedge between us the whole time. I can see that now.

[Shwynsh]

It seems like he wasn't the best choice of a boyfriend. But you know what? We all make mistakes, we all have bad judgement sometimes, and that's OKAY. It's fine. Actually, I think it was good that this happened. Otherwise, you wouldn't have known what to do the next time this happened, maybe worse. Now you know what is moving to fast, you know the kind of guy that you don't want to be with, you know the situation that is not good for you. All you can do is learn from this instead of feeling guilty and feeling STUPID- theres nothing you can do now, so don't beat yourself up over it. It's okay- this will pass, the feeling you're having about it will pass, things will be fine



moving to relationships (if you guys disagree over there, move it back or somewhere else..)

[Toy Soldier]

Anyway, theres this guy called Andrew. And we went out, months before me and Neil. I did fancy Andrew, but I was shoved into a relationship. Then when we stopped going out Liz said 'how a dog had more chance moving through the bases than I had.' Neil agreed with her. Poor Andrew, I got him to touch me up cos I felt so pressured, to stop them being at my back.After Neil split up with me and basically called me 'frigid', I felt pressurised again. And Liz and me were'nt properly talking. We're talking now thankfully. But Neil tried to destroy that. He tried to get me kicked out of the group and he told Andrew. Andrew told me. I asked Neil and he denied it. But then he had a go at Andrew. He also tried to get Andrew on his side by reminding him of the time I basically used him. I dunno why I did it, but I met up at Andrews and I suggested going through all the bases. We got up to fingering, and then we stopped ( I stopped him) and I just told him how this whole thing with my mates was upsetting me.(with Neil etc)



I havent seen Andrew since then and I feel like I used him, which I have a guess and I'm not proud of it.Neil admitted he tried to kick me out of the group cos Liz told him that they had to. When I asked Liz, she swore on her life that Neil's just trying to stir things up.He went out with Liz again a month or so back, but they split up again. It was pretty bad cos Liz and Neil's best mate Anton fell out with Neil.I feel like I've screwed big time. I nearly lost some good friend partly due to Neil, and I've been using Andrew just to prove to Neil that I'm not frigid.And the thing is now I'm determined to prove to Neil I'm not frigid, and I'm worried I'll just someone again.

I hate myself, I'm such a stupid idoit and a horrible bitch. I dunno what I'm trying to say. Just delete this. I doubt any of you will be able to make head or tail what this means. Except that I'm a nasty piece of work.

luv Ruth