making it work?

[Nikki]

Hey, when you feel you have to make your relationship work, means it doesn't work, right?

I mean, I've been with this guy for 2 years and a half, I screwed up a lot by getting drunk 2-3 times at parties, and I'm so horrible when I'm drunk! And the last time seems like I really hurt him.

But that's not all, I mean, I stop drinking, it's not a problem. It's just been so long and routine comes into our relationship. It's the longest both of us have been with somebody, and the routine kills it really.

The worst is, he's become my best friend. He's the best relationship I've ever had, I've never felt so free while going out with somebody.

I know I'm the one to decide whether I'm gonna stay with him or not, I know I'll miss him like hell if we break up. But at the same time he's a kind of guy who doesn't wanna attach too much, he's had some bad experience in his parents' live, seems like he has never seen them being happy together, and I think it influenced him a lot.

So now I'm scared to make a wrong decision. I really wanna be with him, but it hurts me to think that things will never be the same as when we just started going out, there's no more that passion and urge to be together. I want more, I wanna say I love him, but he's not the kind to say he loves me back.

But I have fun with him, I love being with him, I love being next to him and knowing he's there for me.

Damn.. I feel so lost.. I don't even know what I want you to tell me, to comfort me.. I'm not sure I'll be comforted.. I know I'm the one who takes the decision. It's just so hard. Wish I had never attached to him...

We talked about it yesterday, we decided to stay together. He said I hurt him, and he sais he hates all the problems we have in the relationship. I told him it was all my fault, coz it really is. He said he wanted to stay with me for now, and then we'll see. But how does anybody else manage it? How does anybody else's relationship survives after changes like this, after this kind of talks? When you know you've hurt each other and it'll never be the same again? How do you manage the routine? Is it the feeling of love that stays after a while, or just the need of comfort and security that makes you stay with the person? I have so many questions damn!!! I should talk to my mom about it, she know better. But the more I talk about it the more I feel like things go wrong... And I don't know how to deal with it.

And if I break up, will I still be able to stay friends with him without being hurt? Coz I know I want more than that..

[Michie]

Wow, Nikki.



I wish I had good advice. Really, I do. But I don't know what the answer is myself. What do you feel and think? What does your heart and your gut instinct tell you?



I know the feeling, when there comes a time in the relationship when the lust has settled and you go into a routine...and nothing feels fresh anymore. How do married couples deal with that? They go out on date dates, they work to maintain the romance in the relationship. They spice up their love life, they go someplace romantic...



It sounds like the damage that has been done has distanced both of you from eachother, and that sucks, but I think the way that could be repaired is if you both agree to put that behind you and forgive eachother for the transgressions of the past. If that barrier is removed, perhaps you both will feel more comfortable. I don't know how long it will take to bring things to a more positive place. If it takes more time on his side, because he is afraid of commitment, reassure him that you are with him because you care about him and want to be with him...(and you love him...)



And yeah, I understand that it becomes 'routine' at some point. Just be sure you are still in it for the right reasons, and pay attention if he is in it emotionally as well.



I hope this helps.

[Lena]

It would be a problem if you had to work at your relationship all the time. Thats when I would say its unhealthy and you need to think twice about being in the relationship. However if this happens only occasionally or is a one-off rough patch in your relationship I would say not to give up yet.



Sometimes even the healthiest of relationships need work putting into them - but perhaps thats the reason why they are so healthy - because both partners recognise the problem and put effort into putting the issue right.



In your case I think the relationship can survive. It sounds like you both know what you want to change, so now you need make those changes together. If you both want the relationship to work out, I'm sure it will.



Take care,



Lena.