Needed To Get This Out

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dead rose
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Needed To Get This Out

Post by dead rose »

first i just want to say sorry this is a long one but i really just needed to get all this stuff off my chest. i put it in here cuz its mostly about my "friends", yea i do talk about the SI and depression, but its mostly about the "friends" but yeah, thanks for taking the time to read this. :)



i dont exactaly know how i feel right now, i mean im not happy, but im not totally depressed like i was before. but i am kinda sad..maybe a little hurt. i mean, things are like finally looking up in my life, for the first time in a little over 3 years i can finally look at myself in the mirror and like the persone i see. ever since my sophomore year up until about january of my senior year, i had so much (SO SO MUCH) hate towards myself. i got to the point where i couldnt even look at myself bcuz if i did, id break down and cry bcuz i hated myself so much, everything about me i hated. my self esteem, well i basically had none, my self confidence, well again had none, i was majorly depressed, cutting myself, and just hated my life more than anything. i had no friends, the one friend who i love more than anything lives all they way on the other side of the country in KY and i was fucked up. i really was.



then in Feb things started to really look up for me. Me and Callyn started haging out and shes the best....i mean if it wasnt for her i dont really know where id be right now, probably still in the same "i hate myself" mode. but like i can finally see through all fog of depression. and i dont hate myself anymore, i really dont, my self esteem and confidence has gone up so much, and like i feel like a new person, to a point. but every now and the fall back, ill be doing great for a long time, not cutting not being sad, or depressed, then all of a sudden something triggers me and i start thinking. ill start thinking about the past, which is bad! ill start looking at my arms, and all the scars, and ill start crying for no reason, then ill think im alone and have no one, then i quickly remember that thats a lie and i have so many people that care about me, i never really was "alone" like i thought i was for 3 years.



then like now, im dealing with the hurt that some people have caused me. people that i trusted more than anyone, people who i loved, and cared about and people who i thought cared about me. but i guess i was wrong. ill never know why one of them did what they did, i dont know why that person has grown so far away from me and is like a totally different person. i know people change, but this isnt a noramal change...and it hurts. and as for the other person, i have NO IDEA what the hell is going through their mind but they need to take their head out of their ass and grow some fucking balls and face the facts and come talk to me and stop running! cuz thats what theyre doing, running away from me bcuz they know im pissed and hurt and mad and sad and just everything, and they dont want to deal with it. i mean this is somoene i loved to death and someone that told me they loved me! they would "always" be here for me. well i need them now, i needed them a long time ago i needed them and they were no where to be found! and that hurts, i mean i dont want to be mad but i cant help it. i just want to forgive and just have that person back, but how can it, it hurts so much and makes me so sad.



i mean, im trying REALLY hard to get TOTALLY past all the self harm and depression shit. its been awhile since i did it, a long while and like i can feel myself coming down and on the edge of a break down, its been a LONG time since i really "freaked out" and had a break down a LONG time, and i mean, it scares me cuz i dont want it to happen cuz like when that does i get so messed up, so upset and sad and i just shut myself off from everyone, and thats the worst thing to do. but im really trying really hard right now to not think about that, to push past this and just move on. so far so good....im a little sad right now, and a lot hurt....but i guess it just takes time go get past the hurt...right?



in a way i feel rejected, i mean, 2 ppl that were my friend, now nothing. i still care but i dont think they do at all. how can they care about me if theyve treated me like they have. how can i still care about them after the way they treated me? i dont understand that! i think it hurts so much cuz i do care about them a lot, and i feel as tho they think nothing of me, they dont care, why should i? but i do....i really dont understand.
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
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angelviccy
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Re: Needed To Get This Out

Post by angelviccy »

wow, well i am proud of u! i dnt really kno u but im proud u have done wot u have! that is extreamly amazin 2 b able 2 of done wot u have.



i hope u realise that. but WELLDONE!!!! :cheer: :sun:



i donno wot else 2 say tho...

:apple:
"One more step along the world i go"



"As i travel though the bad and good"



"give me courage when the world is rough"



"The people of darkness are needing a friend"





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