My Mother Is Bipolar and is an Addict

[Atheist-Polar-Bear]

My mother experiences Bipolar Depression, as said by two Psycho-therapists I have seen due to descriptions I have given of her and meeting her personally. She refuses to personally be diagnosed. My counselor has found that due to growing up in such an abnormal setting of a Bipolar parent, which can damage understanding of the given parent's emotion, which you cannot fully understand, and you eventually accept, as sad as it is.

My mother smoked during my sister and I's pregnancy, knowing that it could endanger us, nonetheless, she did. I was always told she was a strong, independent, and hard working woman up until the pregnancy that lead to myself. When I was born, a severe depression followed and she never recovered, I still blame myself to this day for that. As of today she is a stay at home mom who remains seemingly absent minded, often sleeping, smoking, and hardly anything else. Her low pain tolerance as a young adult led her to multiple doctor visits with unnecessary prescribed pills, the habit of taking them has bridge over to even this day, at the age of 40. Her depression, most obviously paining her, and the pills finding a way to numb her in an inhumane fashion of some way or another, along with those damned cigarettes I have grown up to despise. She has become so comfortable with every aspect of this routine, (that she unfortunately considers an appropriate way of living) it often morphs he morality for simple things. I may say I have a migraine, a genetically passed down problem in the family, and she pulls out some random PRESCRIPTION pills and offers them to me, I turn them away despite her insistence that they are safe, she takes them often, and I turn to Excedrin instead. Another two examples being, my girlfriend has asthma but she insists that if she smokes near her, and doesn't blow the smoke directly at her, there is no reason for concern; the last example being her distortion of how many pills are proper for a 15 year old, as myself, to take and for what reasons. Due to Major Depressive Disorder, I often have extremely violent night terrors, leading to my certain form of Insomnia, seeing I am scared to go to sleep. Instead of offering me a herbal tea, which I have come to prefer, she offers me two strong allergy pills, insisting that it is a proper aid for sleep, because I cannot take Melatonin, my body having become some what immune to it.


I don't know how I feel about my mother, but we get in fights so often, and I always blame myself, though she often claims I blame her. I don't know what to do anymore with myself and I really need some advice.