I feel like I am totally alone in this, and I would really like to know if anybody else has any similar experience. Last year I was in the hospital for an eating disorder - bulimia, I was there an entire month. Anyway, prior to that I felt fat and stupid, and unworthy of anything. I still feel this way, but I'm getting over my eating disorder quite well. But, I don't know how to cope with my feelings, my eating disorder was a shield, and now I am thrown back into the rush of everything. This year I am going to be a senior and I have college applications to fill out and God knows what else. I have a tough load of classes this year, and three of which require summer homework. Ofcourse I haven't done it yet, and school starts next week.... AHHH- anyway, I wish that was my only problem, it is just one of the many.
My biggest problem is with my mother. She has always 'revered' me, and thought I was the perfect child. I do better in school that she did, apparently, up until last year she thought I was to good to be true... I didn't really understand that until now. But I feel like it is too late. I don't think she really loves me anymore. She has given up on me, everyone has given up on me. Everytime she thinks I have relapsed, she gets mad and that makes things worse, especially if I am having eating problems. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach all the time because of this. I just don't have any idea... She doesn't think I am ready for college because I procrastinate - which is true, she thinks somewhere along the line I went down the wrong road. And this is true, I did, but I am trying so hard to get better, but with every step forward it seems like I take three steps back with her.
I didn't realize how important my mother is in my life. She has done all that is humanly possible for me, but I can't make the punchline. I have totally ruined our relationship, I don't know if I can fix it. I love her so much, and it makes me feel so terrible to know that I have let her down in some way - actually in every way possible.
It is so hard for me - it is actually impossible for me to deal with everything right now, school, college, mother, myself, my eating disorder, and getting everything together. I hate myself.
Anyway, if any of that - even just a part makes any sense, because I'm sure it is all jumbled together, please tell me what to do, or even if you are having similar problems, I just really want to know that I am not totally alone.
Thanks for reading this
Steph
Help :-(
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- lil_angel_lover
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Re: Help :-(
Hey hun. I've never had a special relationship with my mom, so you are very lucky indeed. You didn't ruin your relationship though. Your mom still loves you, and if you don't believe this, maybe you need to sit down and talk to your mom. Ask her everything you fear about your guy's relationship. And I've never had an eating disorder, but you might want to tell your doc about it. Get something to stop it. Thats about all the help I can give you. I hope it helped.
If you need to talk to someone I am here. I will keep everything you say confidential.