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Post by aviv0606 » Tue Dec 17, 2013 7:06 pm

Hi, I'm 18 m and I'm in kind of a mess here. I define myself straight but for the past year i've been having these thought that
I might be gay. During that period I had the chance to love two girls, with one I'm currently in a relationship which I very enjoy from and I can talk about her all day, but just to give you an example I told her a few times I LOVE her and to be honest, it felt good saying it.Also I'm very attracted to females sexually and I tend to prove this to myself on a daily basis (if you know what I mean), I'm not seeing porn with men now and I really don't care much about it, to be honest it even looks gross to me now(yet I'm still a virgin,dying not to be one). 
But here's the problem. During the past year, this weird disorder made me afraid that I'm slowly become gay and now I can develop feelings for men. something that never happened to me before. It's so weird, it happened a few times already and when it does I get all depressed and stuff. Even the acne returned because of all that depression and I got to a point in which I had suicidal thoughts but thank God that phase has passed. 
When I'm afraid that I might have feelings for a guy I just have to see him in person and then I may get nervous for a second because of the thought I mentioned earlier and then think "man I'm such a moron how can I think that" and a few days later it passes like it never happened before. I know how it feels when I love someone and for my entire life I liked girls,even now! 
I've been to my cousin's wedding two months ago. Some guy about my age was sitting at the table next to mine.For some reason I looked at him for quite a while. Just looking, not checking him out or something but the way he looked he seemed kind of gay.When he left I got depressed (again) and thought all that weird shit that never happened to me before (I thought at the time that I "realised" I'm gay) and that I have feelings for him. I told this to my mom and she laughed at me and thought I'm stupid (right). I stopped thinking about him until I went to sleep. then at like 4 am I got up all sweaty and I had an erection. I thought I had sex with him and that boner REALLY got me nervous. Even now, two months and a half I still think I have feelings for him. Just to make clear, I did see him before and I really didn't give him much attention. P.S. It was a month after I first started talking to that girl I'm still in contact with and I love her. You see? I got stuck at the point where I need to prove myself I'm not attracted emotionally to someone with a penis.
Another thing, I've been having that thing where I think about gay sex and I start to like move weirdly and even sit on my hand and not feeling comfortable when I sit next to someone who stands or the opposite. I like to think about straight sex, not gay! Not for me thank you very much. Even thinking about the most handsome man who ever lived will make me feel uncomfortable and out of control.  
That story almost got me to do the unthinkable-tell people I'm gay. When you tell that to people it's very hard to take back and I will be attached to a way of life I don't want to have. I mean, how could you turn from straight to gay? I love my gf I don't want to tell her that, it'll destroy her and also me, I don't want to lose her because of my mental illness(of course she doesn't about know any of this). I don't think I'm also bisexual because I'm not attracted to men(not enough to say I want to have sex with one), and surely not on an emotional level. Do you think I have HOCD? Please help

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