I hope you're OK.
I often think back on the relationship I had with my father. But even more so on October the 10th. My dad died on this day back in 1993. That's 14 years ago. I was 30 years old when he died. He was 62. Given the fact that his parents both died in their 90's and that his two brothers are still alive and well - I'm sure my dad would not have died when he did if it were not for the fact that he abused his body by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol for years and years. My brother talked to the coroner who performed the autopsy. The coroner told my brother that he could tell by the damage caused to my father's internal organs [By alcohol] that we [The family] must have had a very difficult time with him. And indeed we did.
His grave-side service was held on October the 14th. It was a nice 'service'. But oddly enough - I was the only one who cried. Not even his parents cried. In fact - I was SO upset that a few others at the service become upset watching me. [So I was told] Why did I cry? Did I miss my dad and want him back? No. And isn't that sad? I cried because in that stainless steel coffin [Something my father wanted] was not just my dad but also all of my hope. What died was the hope I had held onto [All those years] that one day my dad would become the kind of dad that I always wanted and NEEDED. Not only did I bury my dad that day - but I also buried that hope with him. No longer was there ANY chance that I would EVER have that special 'dad'.
There was a play written by 'Robert Anderson' called, "I Never Sang for my Father." That play was turned into a movie of the same name starring Melvyn Douglas and Gene Hackman. [In 1970] I doubt any of you have ever even heard of the movie. [Let alone the play] Not many people have. It's a special play/movie for me because the father character reminds me a great deal of my own father. Oddly enough - a few years after I first saw that movie - I was taking acting classes. We each were given a 'monologue' to read - one chosen by the teacher. The teacher chose parts for us to read out loud in front of the class - parts that she felt might have some significance for us. The part she chose for me was the part of 'Gene' - the son of the father in, "I Never Sang for my Father." I could hardly believe it. The part I read was said by the 'Gene' character at the very end of the movie. What he said - in part - was this....
"Death ends life. but it does not end a relationship, which
struggles on in the survivors mind - toward some resolution - which it never finds."
All these 14 years later - I can assure you - death does NOT end a relationship. The best anyone can hope for is to make that never ending relationship become less significant. And the only way we can do that is by moving on with our own lives and creating new memories. All we can do is accept the past and TRY not to let it influence our present and refuse to allow it to be used as a road map to our future.
If you would like to read the ending of that play in its entirety - click on http://www.aracnet.com/~memorris/Dineve ... father.htm What you will find on that page was the entire monologue that I read out in class.
For any guy reading this - IF you are a 'dad' or ever plan on becoming one - NEVER underestimate just how important you are to your son or daughter. Generally speaking - a mother's love is expected but a father's love is earned. When a child feels unloved - it is almost always because they feel as though they failed to earn their father's love. Something to think about.
GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
