Friendship Problem... Again.

[alicia_tan2113]

I am Alicia, and i have gone through too many problems with friends, i surprise myself even by asking for help.



recently, my good friend blocked me off twitter, ignored my SMSes, because of something i don't know, and when i ask her face to face if she's angry with me, she says no. This is getting confusing.



I shall put this in chronological order.



March 2008 i complained to a teacher against one of the popular girls and i became hated by the whole school. Rumours spread, and i became a loner, i have difficulty forming groups for projects.



April 2008 i met Christie, who ignored rumours and saw me as i was. She was a good friend indeed.



January 2009 me and Christie were in different classes. This is when i met Charmaine, who just came to my school, she went to Canada for a few years, and now she came home to Singapore. She was a new girl, so she didn't know any of the rumours, and became my BFF.



April 2009 Charmaine heard the rumours, backstabbed me, and it was only a "hi" and "bye" relationship after that. This was when i met Nerene



July 2009 I befriended another loner, and we became good friends.



November 2009 me and Charmaine had a big argument.



December 2009 she took the initiative to ask for forgiveness and start anew as we would be in the same class for the next 2 years.



January 2010 Christie is in my class, we started doing stuff together again. This is when i met 3 new kids, Amanda, cintia, and Ashley.



February 2010 Christie was looked down because she was my friend and left me.i begin going out with the 3 other kids.



June 2010 i noticed those 3 were backstabbing me, ditching me, and so i let them go.



July 2010 I met Lauren, who was really nice to be friends with me.



November 2010 there was a school trip to eastern Europe, and i was bunking with Cintia.

On the 2nd day, i still had jet lag, and i had a migraine. I ended up leaving the key in the room, and leaving the door open. She started crying.

3Rd day, Charmaine started ignoring me, and she told everyone i spammed her with messages and is too clingy for her liking.

She spoilt my whole trip. And for the last 4 days i bunked with Lauren secretly, while Cintia went with Charmaine.



January 2011 Lauren started acting weird, so did Christie, and i thought that it was the same problem, they ditched me a few times. And ever since the trip, i started self hurting using clothespin and whipping.



February 2011 I formed a relationship with my juniors, Michelle, Debbie, Kimberly.



March 2011 i was often ditched by Lauren and Christie, but i have no choice. I never stopped self hurting, i used salt & ice and i have scars on my thigh i never wear short shorts again. I started self hurting more with many other stuff...



April 2011 Debbie and Michelle suddenly became angry with me, and Michelle is angry becaue of Nerine, she blocked me off twitter, ignored my smses, and when i asked if she was angry she said no. I am not so sure of Debbie though. I am self hurting even more now...



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I didn't expect myself to ask for help, my parents don't care, and won't do anything, and so i decided i ccant take it anymore, i hope you can help me...



Thanks in advance.

~Alicia~

[navynate]

FIrst off im going to say that i havent experienced in self hurt or anything along those lines. However, i do have my fair share of friendship issues, being known and not known at the same time can be pretty confusing! Even today i only have 2 good friends, if you can call them that. I just learned to live with it... I adapted and never got close to anyone, especially since my job dictates that i move every few year. Im not saying that this is the answer, cause its not and it will cause other problems later on (i.e. commitment). May i ask are you in college or high school?

[alicia_tan2113]

I am in high school, and the problem is because of the number of friends I lost, when someone is acting nice, I would pour out my hearts to him or her, and then be to clingy...

[navynate]

[quote name='depressed' timestamp='1302516358' post='459301']

I am in high school, and the problem is because of the number of friends I lost, when someone is acting nice, I would pour out my hearts to him or her, and then be to clingy...

[/quote]



Pouring out your heart is a good thing, and don’t let anyone tell you its not. Being about to take the pain of losing a friend is something that you will deal with. I am the same way, if someone give just even the slightest listening ear i'll tend to "talk them to sleep" (as my mother called it). As I tell a lot of people Moderation is the key to success! If you feel, or see, yourself starting to be clingy then step back and let them come to you. Here’s a scenario…

Something exciting just happened to you, instead of texting everyone wait until someone asks you how’s your day going, or, how’ve you been.

Me I just post it on my social network and if people respond, then they respond. If nobody does then oh well keep going with a smile on your face. Don’t worry too much about high school drama, as I call it. Once you graduate you’ll head to college, get a job and meet people that are worried about their “social status”. Yes having friends is important, but above friendship is your happiness.



“Only apologize when it’s deemed necessary” – Elderly lady I was blessed to talk to.

“Follow the beat to your own heart” – My Father



Let me know if this helps.

[AlaaAbuali]

Hello Alicia,

I know exactly what your'e going through, been there and done that, I can actually write about all my failed friendships too in my own chronological order, but what's that going to accomplish. It's not only friends that we lose, we lose everyone. People always say, friends come and go, but so does everyone you know in this life, and everything you do in this life. Everyone comes and goes, someone could be your enemy one day, and then your best friend the next day, and then he might not be in this world the following day. People move on, they travel, they die, they get separated. You can also lose your job, so jobs come and go, you see what I mean? So if we stop at every failed friendship or relationship and break down, and refuse to move on, then we will never move on, because my god, you are so young, you are still in high school, you haven't seen what losing someone means, losing your husband in divorce or separation, or losing someone you love, like a parent or a sibling, or a family member, or losing your child when he or she travels or has an accident or dies. Losing someone or something can come in many forms, and it's hard, it's always hard, and the worst thing in life, is that feeling that comes as a result, when you feel alone in this world, and that no one cares, and that you are so nice to everyone, and yet people don't give you back as much as you give them. But at the end of the day, this is life, and this is how people are, if you choose to be weak and not fight, when you're still at your age, then you are going to have a very very hard time when you grow up, because you haven't seen anything yet, or been through anything yet.

You know friendship has always been one of my major dilemmas in life, I was always convinced that friendship is something necessary and a major priority, and that I must have friends, but with time, and by experience, and by wise people who advised me, I learnt, and learnt it the hard way, that friends really don't mean anything, and there is no such thing as a true friend or a friend who is like your sibling, or a BFF, that's all just labels we gave them when we really don't know them, we really don't know who they really are. We just meet someone and spend some time with him, so we call this person our BFF, but once a real situation happens, this friend is the first one to back out and leave you, and if he doesn't, then he is a true friend, but these true friends are really rare to find. And in your whole entire life, it's very rare if you to come out with a single person that you can really call your BFF and a true friend, and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, it's just how it is, because at the end of each day,everyone is selfish, everyone just thinks about themselves and what is better for them, before they think of others, it's a human nature.

I have gone through so much in the whole friendship problems, and I used to get really really depressed all the time, but then one day, I grew up and I learnt that these people who are with you in school are at the end of the day, your colleagues and nothing more, they're your classmates, you can have a good laugh with them, help each other in studying, spend some time together, but then as soon as you go home, you forget about them, and then you start the next day. When you do that, and when you take it lightly, and treat people diplomatically, then you will find that things are so much easier than you think it is. There is completely nothing wrong with pouring your heart out to people, or being really nice to people, or giving people more than they give you back, there is completely nothing wrong with it, it doesn't make you weak, or being used, no, it makes you a very very good person, and don't ever change that about you, because one day people will see that in you and they will love you for that.

So if you think between you and yourself and you convince yourself that these people are just your classmates, and you can be there for them and listen to them and be nice to them and do everything you want, but what's different is that, you would never expect anything from them, you do that because you are a good person, but not because you are waiting for someone to be a friend to you like you are a friend to them. And don't argue with people or fight with people or question them about why they are talking to you or not talking to you or avoiding you, just be diplomatic with everyone. Who doesn't want to talk to you, then so shall it be, and who wants to talk to you, then they're welcome to.

And I know you're probably thinking, what kind of life is this without any friends or someone to talk to? But I want you to know that this is the right thing to do, and that Friends should always come as a last priority in life, you put them as a first priority and care about them too much, but I want you to know that at the end of the day, family will always come as a first priority, even if you think they don't care or don't listen, it's only because they are looking at this from a larger angle, the angle that I've reached today and look through, the angle which I am hoping you'd reach too, and reach it the easy way, instead of the hard way. Your parents know that friendship isn't something important, they understand that, but they're waiting for you to figure that out on your own, because no matter what I say or your parents say, you'll still be convinced with what you think.

And what will hurting yourself accomplish? Will it get your friends back? Fix your ruined friendships? Let people like you? Erase the rumors that spread about you? Will it make you popular? etc etc. It won't change anything, you're just adding more pain to the wound, you're destroying yourself, you're ruining your image, because at the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror, instead of seeing yourself as someone who has problems with your friends, instead, you will see someone disfigured having problems with friends, and only then will those friendship problems you have seem so minor and meaningless compared to what you've done to yourself, and you'll know then that it wasn't worth it, cause you might think that at the moment you did it, it relieved the pain or it helped in letting out your anger, but that was only one moment, a split of a second, but what about a lifetime of scars. And what about the day you grow up and become wiser and understand that these are not even problems, they're just you figuring life out and understanding people and how to treat them, and so one day, when you've changed, you'll be embarassed of those scars you have, and when people see it and point and ask you what happened, you'll make up some story and you'll wish you can take it back. And what if someone finds out about what you do today? Like your parents, isn't that adding even more pain to the wound? And for what? Is it really worth it? Is that people who you call friends, really worth it? You are much wiser than that, and you are a really good person, you know why? Because I see myself in you, and I see the person I was, exactly the same like you, but I've grown up past all that, and I've become someone completely different today, after struggling so much, but I have so many friends today and so many people love me, and I still pour my heart out and listen to people and give them so much, even if they don't give me anything back, and guess what? they love me for it and they appreciate it. So I want you to be this person I've become, and I want you to do it without struggling like I did.



Please feel free to continue the discussion if you'd like to discuss this further and we'll get back to you right away.