i'm done screaming.
so i'll whisper.
i had a good day.
i was happy - really happy - for the first time in a long time. i was able to smile at things and not feel the immediate stabbing of a reminder that sadness controls my mind.
i was okay.
my little sisters had their eighth grade dance tonite, so my mom let me and my younger sis go out to see a theatre performance at school. we ate dinner with the rents, then went and got ice cream, then headed to the performance where i met up with my best friend. all of our friends were in the performance, so it was awesome to be able to watch their hard work pay off. and one of my guy friends had to wear tights.
the rents said to call them if we were going to be out past nine, so my sis and i decided we'd go see a movie with two of our friends. everything was set, because after all, the rents only said to call them if we weren't coming home. they didn't care where we went as long as we made curfew.
so my sis called my mom to ask about the movie.
mom said no.
i called to ask if we could hang out just a little longer.
mom said no.
it made me so angry, so upset, because this is what she does everytime. she gives me a little taste of freedom, then takes it away. don't get me wrong - curfews are fine - but it's not that.
it's the fact that i'm back where i hate it, where i'm a prisoner and insecure, where i can't speak and feel safe, where i can't breathe.
i got so angry. so angry at my mom and my stepdad. they always tell me how much they want me to be a "normal kid" and hang out with my friends and go out on weekends and things like that.
i just have to do it how they want.
why am i so obliging?
other kids would say "screw that!" and go anyway.
but i can't.
and it's not fair.
there's too much riding on it.
my trip to china this summer to visit my grandparents, my car, my ipod, trust - it's all been gathered off the floor after being shattered by my sickness. a sickness i still possess. but only my parents remind me of it. they want me to get better - so why do they insist on treating me like i'm ill?
i was furious and upset and confused . . .
i couldn't take it.
so i threw my phone across the floor.
i wanted to lay down in the middle of the performing arts center and cry, but i couldn't. i wanted to cut, but i couldn't. i wanted to scream, but i couldn't. so i threw my phone.
my best friend quickly reassured my sis and other friend who was supposed to go with us that i was okay and he would find a ride for himself and our friend. my sister started to say that she didn't want me to drive, but he told her it would be okay, i just had to calm down.
and now, all that's keeping me from collapsing or cutting is the knowledge that i don't want him to hurt.
i am alone again.
Alone Again
Moderator: Sex & Relationships Moderators
- anonymous08
- Loyal
- Posts: 817
- Joined: Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:11 am
Alone Again
You couldn't be suicidal if your life depended on it.
there i go again, pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors!
they've seen it all before
they'll say just let her crash and burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her.
- Dresden Dolls "Girl Anachronism"
there i go again, pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors!
they've seen it all before
they'll say just let her crash and burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her.
- Dresden Dolls "Girl Anachronism"
- Lena
- Veteran
- Posts: 8551
- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:03 pm
Re: Alone Again
No, you're not alone, dear. Not in reality. Why do you feel that you're alone? *Hugs* PM me back. We'll talk.
Woman can not live on tea or chocolate alone.... but she can give it a damn good try.
- chsblondie67
- Loyal
- Posts: 32
- Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 9:36 pm
- Contact:
Re: Alone Again
Your not alone at all. You can always talk to me. I know what its like to feel alone, and wanting to cut ,and scream, and just completley lose it. As long as im still living, you have someone to talk to. Promise. IM me sometime, or send me mail, and I'll give you my screen names and my cell number. Maybe I can help you.
~Britt<<any>>>
~Britt<<any>>>