worried

[BrokenSoulDreaming]

A really close friend of mine has stopped eating recently. He claims he has it under control, and knows what he is doing. But for the past 2 weeks he hasn't eaten anything, apart from like when his parents force to, or people are watching him. In which case he pukes it up. He carries mouth wash around with him at college so if he is sick no one can smell it on his breath.

All of his friends are really worried about him :S He doesn't exactly have any weight to lose as it is. We're trying to think of things that could make him feel better about himself and food. But as none of us have actually dealt with some one who struggles to eat, we're not sure what to do. Also last (acedemic year) he took a few overdoses.

Sorry for rambiling on so much.

[anonymous08]

it's a control issue, most likely.

he probably feels like he can't control things in his life, and he can control his eating.

have you talked to him about it?

[Lena]

Is he getting professional psychiatric help? If not, it sounds like he needs to be.



I would advise that you're careful with how you approach this - I speak from experience.

At this moment in time I have a friend who is suffering with anorexia. I've been friends with her for about 8 years now - so a good while. I've been careful over the years to avoid crossing the line between friend and 'substitute therapist'.

Some of our mutual friends will try to sit down and have long heavy conversations 'to get to the bottom of it and try to help', or they'll try and make her eat, etc. That sort of approach often makes things worse - friends are friends, not psych professionals. She has psychiatric help that includes psychiatrists to get to the bottom of it and treat her, and people that will sit with her whilst she eats (and if necessary, they make her eat).



I have three things that I adhere to with my friend:



1 If she wants to make the decision to eat - thats fine, I eat with her and don't make a big deal about it - if not, I don't mention it because I know that her psychiatric professionals will deal with the issue.



2 My role as her friend is to be there and provide support - not to be her substitute therapist. With talking about the issue (or any issues) the same rule applies here as it does with any friend. If she wants to talk to me about things, I'm there, but I don't force it - she'll come to me if she wants to.

The same goes with advice giving. With my friends, if they ask my advice or for an opinion I will happily give it, but I won't ever offer it if its not asked for.

I do however make an exception to that rule with her: even if she asks, I never ever give advice or an opinion about anything to do with her eating disorder/food/etc - thats her psychiatrists job (I know if I try to give advice on that issue, I might inadvertently say the wrong thing and make things worse).



3 Lastly, the confidence/body image issue.

I suppose the most important way that I make my friend feel confident about herself is through the simple act of being her friend. The fact that I spend time with her as her friend says that I care about her and gives the message that she is liked and loved for who she is.

Telling her that I like to spend time with her helps, too. Verbal reassurance (especially when its given just because you can, without the person having to ask for it) is a very helpful thing. Eg 'lets go and walk our dogs together this weekend, I love to spend time with you and we need to catch up as I didn't see you last week'.

As far as looks/body image go, I never ever comment on my friends size, weight, or the size or fit of her clothes. If she asks me how she looks (or if I want to compliment her on how she looks), I make what I say completely non size/weight related. For example, 'I love how you have your hair/make up today, and that red colour of your shirt really suits you'.



Hope this helps.



Take care,



Lena.

[BrokenSoulDreaming]

Hi, thanks for your comments



No, he isn't getting help for it. At the moment he's saying theres nothing wrong with him.

He isn't secretive about it though, and is open about what he hasn't or has eaten. So I guess that could be seen as a positive.

No, I'm not going to make him eat or anything, but I know that some of our friends are trying to make him eat, which makes him feel worse.

So I thought I'd try and find out other suggestions with how to help him, so people aren't making him eat.



Thankyou again:)