Poem Thing? Need Help

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InnocenceLost57
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Poem Thing? Need Help

Post by InnocenceLost57 » Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:06 pm

So we have this competition thing where we go and look at art at this museum and then write a poem about it. Sooooo this is the first thing i've written in like a year. There's a few lines I'm unsure of, so any tips would be appreciated







The wooden king

And his ravaged court

His ragged jester trapped

In a dance of desperation

Whirling round, leaping up

Moving faster and faster; twirling, dropping

He dances as one driven,

His mask of laughter fallen at his feet

The unsmiling king sits woodenly

Wordlessly

His face splits in a yawn

And all the harlequin's hopes

Tumble tattered to the floor

Rising up on ravaged wings

He whirls round and round

Trapped in the dance <<<(Here, what might fit better? Trapped in his cage of gold? Tips!)

Nothing left to carry him on.

Keep on, keep on, keep up,

Faster! Higher! More!

But he crumples,

His wings fold,

And he falls hopeless to the floor.





That's all i have so far, i need to finish it...does it sound unfinished to you?



ANY criticism appreciated. This is the first thing i've written in foreverrrrr so i need help.



:)
One minute there was road beneath us



The next just sky





Reach up



And let's propose a toast



To the thing that hurts you most







( /)



(O.o) Copy bunny into your signature to help



( <) him achieve world domination



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CausticTears
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Re: Poem Thing? Need Help

Post by CausticTears » Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:00 pm

The wooden king

And his ravaged court

His ragged jester trapped

In a dance of desperation

Whirling round, leaping up

Moving faster and faster; <striketwirling, dropping</strike

He dances as one driven,

His mask of laughter fallen at his feet

The unsmiling king sits woodenly

Wordlessly

His face splits in a yawn

And all the harlequin's hopes

Tumble tattered to the floor

Rising up on ravaged wings

He whirls round and round

<strikeTrapped in the dance </strike Dancing with the soils (?)

Nothing left to carry him on.

Keep on, keep on, keep up,

Faster! Higher! More!

But he crumples,

His wings fold,

And he falls hopeless to the floor.[/b]


Good poem anndd in my opinion, it needs nothing else. It's finished. The last line puts everything to a close.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

-Leo Buscaglia



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