One Of Those Days.

[alnieve]

You know those days

Where all you want to do is sleep,

Not because you're tired,

But because when you sleep,

You don't have to be.

You don't have to think.

Or feel.

Today is one of those days.



I don't know what my problem is, really.

I didn't have a bad day.

It's a Friday.

And we have a three-day weekend coming up.

That should make me feel at least okay.

Right?



But I just feel horribly.

Disgusting.

Ugly.

Fat.

Stupid.

Worst of all, depressed.

I haven't felt this badly for a long time.



My mind keeps jumping to cutting.

Because I know it used to help when I felt like this.

I don't know if it still would.

Because I haven't done it in so long.

But you never know...

It could.

But I won't let that be an option.

Or at least,

I hope I won't let it be an option.



I don't understand how staying "happy" can possibly be so complicated.

And hard.

I am trying.

To get on the right track again.

But is that possible?

There's still so much going on in my mind.

So much that isn't good.

At all.



I want this mood to go away.

So badly.

I hate feeling like this.

I hate BEING like this.

I just want to stop.



I'm not who I want to be.

I'm not GOOD enough for myself to be happy.

I'm not asking for perfection.

I know that perfection isn't possible.

But I just want to be better.

And I don't know where to start.

Or how.



I wish there was a way to start again.

Make everything brand new.

Have a blank slate.

But I know that isn't possible.

I know I have to live with everything that has happened.

And everything that will happen too.



I guess that's the beauty of life, isn't it?

Or maybe it's the tragedy...





***(Just a note so this doesn't get moved to self expression or something: This isn't meant to be a poem of any type, it's just the way my feelings came into words and the only way I could express myself.)***

[turtbub]

Do me a favor Amanda, would you? Go into the self harm forum and read the post you yourself typed about how you finally threw away your razor. About your 150 SI free days.



You're in a slump. I'm so sorry for that. We all have been there and know how much it can hurt. But you know what? You are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You decided that you were ready and you threw away that razor because you knew you didn't need it. You still don't.



This bad mood will pass. We both know it. Stay strong, keep your chin up, and remember how beautiful you truly are.



Love, Hannah

[Kit]

Moods are just moods - and how we hate to admitt it - they WILL pass. 150+ days is awesome. You know how awesome that is? It says something to atleast me - that I DON'T need my cutting utencils or to cut - you got rid of yours and you've been free from them for 150+ days. If you can do it I can do it right? Do you know how much a LOT of cutters need that inspiration to quit? Most cutters are oblivious to the fact that there are better ways to deal with our problems. You proved to yourself, me a quite a few others. You should be proud of yourself. You're beautiful - inside and out, - you care for people even if you don't want to get too close to them, and you have soooo many friends that love you! I don't know you very well, not because I don't want to, but because I'm the worst person to start a conversation with and I wouldn't know what to say to someone. You've already made a statement for yourself - keep going. You CAN do it. Talk to yours friends, family, anyone - ME if you want to. But you shouldn't have to feel like this. If you have no reason, you need to do something to occupy your time to make you FORGET about hiding, sleeping, etc. K? *hugs you tightly* PM me anything.



Sammi