What?!?!?!?

[Kit]

I'm really really really really soory for bugging you, I'm really really really sorry this is long but...OMG! This CAN NOT be happening!!! Someone PLEASE explain this?????? I'm begging you!!! Please??? I can't stop crying...I hate this!!!!



mccormickarmy_navybaby: hey..

kwintinh: hey kidd-o, what are you doin?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I'm curled up in a ball with a blanket and a stuffed animal

kwintinh: what is the stuffed animals name

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Macky

kwintinh: after pappy mac

kwintinh: i miss him alot

mccormickarmy_navybaby: yea

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Me too

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I also have one named ANTHONY, and I have one named Tiftif, and one named Charbear

kwintinh: why do u have one named after my grandma

kwintinh: anthony is me isn't it

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Why not?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: hehe yes

mccormickarmy_navybaby: but his nick name is sweetiepie

kwintinh: that is sweet

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Why shouldn't I have one named after Char? She was my Aunt at one point in time...I think she still loves me least wise I hope so..

kwintinh: yeah but have u talk to her at all

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I wrote her a letter...she never responded Matt called her for me and she said she would call me back but didn't. I made him stay off the phone all night waiting for her call, I didn't go to my Teen Court thing or anything...

kwintinh: well it hasn't even been a year since pappy mac died and she already has another guy living with her so i don't even talk to her much now

mccormickarmy_navybaby: What???

mccormickarmy_navybaby: But...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Wait..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: What...Why??

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I'm sorry but I can never replace him!

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He...he...I understand her wanting to move on and everything...but so close to the 1 year anniversery??

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Is that why dad is telling me we're not going back in October??

kwintinh: she has been seeing this guy for about three or four months now

kwintinh: i would say yes

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He understood me...He was the LIGHT of this wanna-be FAMILY!

mccormickarmy_navybaby: And it seems like everyone is replacing him!

kwintinh: i will never replace him

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I take it it's a crime to BE murdered?? Is that why so many people are trying to walk away from him? forget him?

kwintinh: i don't know but he will always be in my heart

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I'm in therepy now because I can't move on...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I have doctors...and counselors who are trying to make me forget him..

kwintinh: finish what u where saying plz. i want to know what is going on with u

kwintinh: if u ask me i don't think his death was an accident

kwintinh: i think she was cheating on him and he found out

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I still think he was murdered but no one will tell me what happened...

kwintinh: don't let them do that

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Kwintin (

kwintinh: i think it was a suicide

mccormickarmy_navybaby: No...no...that can't be

mccormickarmy_navybaby: No..

kwintinh: it is a good possibility babe

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He was sooo against it with Eddy, me, and everyone else...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He couldn't have..

kwintinh: then what else could it have been they would have found something in the odtopsy

kwintinh: i don't want to believe it either but it is the only other thing

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Why didn't he tell the doctors he was getting worse when he had his check-ups? He always said it was a cold so he could keep driving...Why didn't he tell them the truth?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Why didn't he stop smoking????

mccormickarmy_navybaby: It was KILLING him!!!

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Maybe he did fall asleep at the wheel?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Maybe his breaks locked up?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Truck problems??

kwintinh: i don't know but there is nothing else it could have been they would have found it in his tests they did

mccormickarmy_navybaby: What tests??

kwintinh: no bc he knew when something was wrong with his trucks before it happened

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He was dieing for a couple years before this...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Maybe one of those problems was the reason...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: But suicide???

mccormickarmy_navybaby: That CAN'T be!!

kwintinh: it is just what i think but i am always wrong so who knows

mccormickarmy_navybaby: You're not always wrong...but Uncle Pat is that last person on the planet who would even consider something like that?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Kwintin...Why did this happen?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He didn't deserve to die...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He was a very precious person..

kwintinh: i know that but things happen and i will be joining him soon enough

mccormickarmy_navybaby: WHAT???

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Why?

mccormickarmy_navybaby: No..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Please don't leave me...

kwintinh: i am reenlisting to stay over seas for more then one year

kwintinh: i will be there fore two yrs instead off one

mccormickarmy_navybaby: No....(

kwintinh: it is what i want and no one is going to stop me

kwintinh: i need to be my own person

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Fine..

kwintinh: ddi u ask ur parents about u coming up here to see me

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Yea...But I'm leaving to college right after I graduate - remember? The thing you said you would come see?

kwintinh: i don't think i will be in the states for that

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Yea...I noticed...Everybody who promised they would go aren't.

kwintinh: i will be there in ur heart just like pappy mac is in mine and urs

mccormickarmy_navybaby: He was supposed to come too..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: It seems like the people I actually want there, wont..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Eddy is gone, you're gone, Uncle Pat is gone, Char....

kwintinh: we will both be there in ur heart

kwintinh: i promise u that

mccormickarmy_navybaby: I want you to come home to me Kwintin...You can NOT die over there....

kwintinh: i am not gone yet and don't say it like that u make it sound like i am already dead

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Do you honestly think we're ever going to see each other again???

mccormickarmy_navybaby: If you think and believe you're going to die over there, how am I ever going to see you again?

kwintinh: yes and i will make sure of it

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Besides coming to you and to see you lifeless in a casket??

kwintinh: bc i am not going to die over there i am going to get stronger and live longer

mccormickarmy_navybaby: You made it sound as if you plan on dieing soon!

kwintinh: never i will live on forever

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Dude..I'm shaking rally bad...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: It's really hard sleeping at night...I'm used to holding on to something and being able to sleep..now It's like I can't handle anything touching me..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: My best-friend tried to hold me the other day to get me to calm down...I felt so cold that I couldn't/didn't want to be held by her...I ran home and grabbed my photo album where a picture of me and Pappy were taking a nap together on the couch is...then I put a lot of pillows around me and burried myself in them...I felt better - but not enough to keep me from crying..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Everytime the phone rings on the weekend - I get so enthusiastic cause I think it's Pappy...praying it's Pappy...

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Then I break down later that night knowing it wasn't him after a family member is saying "hi" to their friends..

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Kwintin...? Am I hurting myself more for doing this?

kwintinh: yes

mccormickarmy_navybaby: Then why do I feel better holding on?

kwintinh: I don't know sweetheart...





What the hell??!?!?!

[Kit]

forget it. I'm okay now... thanks for your help...

[turtbub]

Are you sure you're okay? If you aren't, just say so and I'll come back and reply a more helpful thing.



Take care of yourself, okay?



<3

[Kit]

No..I'm not..and I haven't slept since I posted this. I've been crying non-stop...I'm a serious reck..







Sammi

[turtbub]

Oh Sammi!



I'm sorry but I'm really very confused by the conversation you posted. Maybe you could explain what it is saying in a non-conversation way?



I'll give better advice when I'm more clear on what's going on, promise.



Love, Hannah

[Kit]

Kwintin basically just told me that my Uncle Pat (the one who died in a Semi-truck accident) killed himself. My Ex-Aunt Char cheated on him and Pappy found out about it. Then I found out that Kwintin is reenlisting to stay 2 years, instead of one, in Irack. :'( Everyone told me that Pappy died from something else causing him to go off the cliff thingy. No one told me about what really happened. I hate being lied to and everyone in my family did. Not to mention, Char got all this money from Pappy's life insurance AND THEY WEREN'T MARRIED! Now, she used the money to rebuild the house and move her new boyfriend into it with her and her granddaughter. I hate her...I hate this family because they lied to me...AGAIN.



Sammi

[turtbub]

Oh Sammi, that's such HORRIBLE news. But, listen, maybe they were just trying to protect you from the truth? Because you loved your Uncle Pat?



You'll get through this. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. You PM me if you need to talk privately, alright?



Love, Hannah

[Kit]

They were protecting me from the truth...Yet not telling me the truth may kill me..



The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I'd rather DIE than feel the quilt and pain I have now! It's almost a year and I still cry everytime I see a picture, letter, listen to his voice and see his face when I look at home videos...I'm a drone that no one can snap me out of once I've locked my attention on him...



I fell and passed out yesterday and was sent to the hospital....I stayed over-night and all I did was sit up and rock myself. I drowned out every sound around me - nurses, monitors, myself crying...I just imagined Pappy...He loved me and now he's gone...I always complained that I needed him...when all this time - he needed me and I wasn't there! I FAILED him and now he's dead! See? I'm a fuck up and I can't even stop crying now...Why am I such an idiot??? I want my Uncle Pat...I want to feel loved again! I don't want to cut but I have and I'm going too...Make it go away...Why wont it stop? He needs to come back..I want to fix it and make it better...I can't do this any more Hannah!! I can't...I just..I can't...I'm sorry...

[turtbub]

Sammi listen to me, okay? Please. It is NOT your fault. You know that he loved you and would never have wanted you to feel how you're feeling now. Yes. He's gone. But you AREN'T. You are still here and you are so strong. You have made it through so much horrible stuff. Don't you give in now, okay?



You are alive and life is beautiful, whether you can see it now or not. You know he would want you to be happy. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for him.



It. is. not. your. fault. On ANY level. YOu know he wouldn't want you to feel that, either.



I love you Sammi. You're going to pull through this. I know you are.



Hannah

[Kit]

It may not have ben my fault, but I still should have been there... How could I have been so blinde? Why didn't he call someone to tell them what was wrong? And why do I have to feel the blame for it if it isn't my fault?



Sammi

[turtbub]

That's the thing about suicide. It ALWAYS leaves those that loved the victim feeling guilty. It will pass with a lot of time and a lot of telling yourself you did nothing wrong.



I guess he was just good at hiding it, dear. That's not your fault. It was his choice. No one else could make it for him or affect his desicion once he'd made it.



Give yourself time. It's what you need now more than ever.



<3