A Desire...

[sbloemeke]

My life, I don't know, it seems to just want to create something out of me that I'm not... I have held it in all my life that, well, I want to live the female life. It isn't because of my orientation, it isn't because of insecurity as a male, it's just, I don't know.

I don't know any reasoning. Something about the female just makes me want to be one. Not through surgical ways... I don't have urges to change sex... It's just, I wish that I was never born as I am. I wish for feminism, I wish for female life, social anxiety, and freedom.

I just... don't know. Why have I always felt like this? And last year's wonder in just pretending to be one isn't helping... Just... why? Is something wrong with me?

[TimeMachine9906]

No no no not at all! I think you're perfectly normal, people always ponder the thought of being a diffrent gender.



I have, and no that isn't why I'm gay either...I mean, personally I think it would be fasinating to see life through a man's point of view. Sometimes I wish I wasnt born a girl either, hell a lot of times I wish that.



So no, nothing is wrong with you, you're just thinking. Nothing would be wrong with you, even if you WANTED a sex change, nothing would be wrong with you if you cross-dressed, I'm serious.



Nothing is wrong with you.



You're just thinking. That's all.

[SirPostAlot]

I agree w/ what is said above...

theres nothing wrong w/ those thoughts becasuse we all have had those...

but yeah just see how things pull out ...







But basically TimeMachine said everything that i wanted to say...but since there isn ta need to repeat it, i'll just give Kudos to the above post



~Jeff~

[sbloemeke]

The only problem is that these thoughts are continuous, and have been for at least 5 years, probably more... That is what is seriously getting me concerned. And it's no longer just a curiosity to me anymore. It's a burning desire, tormenting me that it can never be acheived, coming with every step I take. And having a female personality alongside my normal male one is not exactly something that eases it (Yes, multiple personality disorder, DID, I know I have it.) It's just, haunting and seems just un-normal...

[TimeMachine9906]

Originally posted by SirPostAlot@Dec 23 2005, 07:16 PM

But basically TimeMachine said everything that i wanted to say...but since there isn ta need to repeat it, i'll just give Kudos to the above post



~Jeff~

[right][/right]

Woot! I get Kudos!......like the cookie? lol.





Look dude, I seriously think you're normal there is no need to freak, I think you're letting your mind get the best of you.



If it seriously is getting to you, go out buy some womens clothes (and because its christmas it wont seem "weird" not that it would any time of the year) and try them on, and don't be afraid if you like it or anything, I mean, seriously its not harmful, its not like you're killing an animal or something.





But really, if you want, make up a whole diffrent person, make her up! Make up a name, a style, everything. If that helps...



I just don't think there is anything wrong with you. And you think there is...but really there isnt.

[sbloemeke]

But really, if you want, make up a whole diffrent person, make her up! Make up a name, a style, everything. If that helps...

*Suppresses a shudder*

I did that last may... May 2004. Her name was Sarah, she was a prep, loved skirts, was really nice, passive, argumentative, and craved a lot of attention. Well, I played the role of it on another forum from May to September, and loved every minute of it. I left eventually, but never told the truth... I continued through AIM with the friends I made. Eventually, I joined TH in December, and continued to act. It was near the end of January when I realised that I had no control over her anymore. She was there, and I couldn't stop her. She took over my life and pretty much killed whatever was left of me. So it went from acting female online and living a real male life in real life to being female (personality wise), and pretending to be male. It worked in converse then, I regained control. TH then booted me when they found out, which began my spiral to depression. I eventually regained the male part in TH, by reapplying as myself, and got in. I then managed to confess it at the other forum that I had rejoined, and slowly began to regain my life through these past 6 months. But she is still there, and there is no way to get her out. I don't know... Maybe I want to be her again. But there's no way to go back...

either way, doing that was what caused all of my problems...

And there is no way my parents would approve of me crossdressing...

[TimeMachine9906]

I did that, I was Nathaniel Young for six months of my life, and I too loved every minute of it...yeah, I made friends too, and I too sometimes keep it up. I even had a girlfriend (which is why I stopped it, I felt wrong lying to her...I consider her my first love.)



Nate played football, was preppy, but loved to dye his hair diffrent colors.



I would easily go back to it, if it wernt for the fact that I lied to HER.



That is my confession...no I didnt do it on TH I was on AIM...and AOL.



As for the crossdressing...my friend...how would your parents KNOW?

...



Yeah right now at this moment, I love being a female, I love being a lesbian, its like I found a way to be Nate, with OUT really being a male. Only two people know of my actions...





And now I have told the world. And I can trust that no one will treat me diffrent.

[sbloemeke]

I can't drive yet, so they'd have to take me. Or, a friend could take me, but that would make me really socially ostrasized, which I know is the one thing which will cause me to finally crack the lines of depression and enter into the suicidal phase, and I'd doubt that I'd ever get out... Plus, my parents are very controlling.

[TimeMachine9906]

Honestly, I dont know how a car or your parents controlling you got to this topic...but I was just saying, do what makes you happy. Sure it doesnt SEEM normal or right at the moment, but you grow into yourself more and more. That's all.

[UsedandAbused]

Hey I just read ur topic and i'm new here....whats you just described is my life in a nutshell....I was born a male but never really thought I was a "male" I have always thought of myself as female....everyone that meets me always says that I am a female trapped inside a males body...which is true I dont have male urges at all. I am a female on so many different levels I think,act,and do as a female would...I dunno but I have undergone many counseling sessions for this because my mother said it was fuged up to feel this way and the way ur feeling is normal it's not wrong it's you~!

[sbloemeke]

Something... I don't know. I just have been hearing Sarah a lot lately, screaming to get out... And, I don't know... She was everything to me, she is very smart and good at trombone... I just don't know...

[Paris In Flames]

I can't really offer any help to this topic because I know that I'm gay.

And I love being extremely feminine, and I love extremely feminine girls.

I've never had a thought about being a male or being in one's place, etc etc etc.



I just wanted to say that I have a lot of respect for you because you're able to admit that.

I think that's amazing.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey - even though I cannot empathize.



Cheers,



Jenna

[sbloemeke]

I can't really offer any help to this topic because I know that I'm gay.

And I love being extremely feminine, and I love extremely feminine girls.

I've never had a thought about being a male or being in one's place, etc etc etc.



I just wanted to say that I have a lot of respect for you because you're able to admit that.

I think that's amazing.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey - even though I cannot empathize.



Cheers,



Jenna

[/b]

Thanks...



It's just all really weird. Being female was fun, doing what I wanted was fun, it was like a new sense of freedom... Yet it just wasn't what it could be... I just miss it so much... I do realise that I have a lot of female charecteristics. I'm a bit more refined than open and aggressive, I tend to not step out of line much, the typical stereotype... Maybe it's a weird jealousy, I just don't know. I wish I could see a proffessional about this.

What is being female? Is it feeling it, being it, and thinking it, or is it just the physical aspect?

[sbloemeke]

I just thought I'd update this... I think I am going to give in. I just am slowly realising a few things...

1. I am a multiple. I know this, I understand this, and have for more than a year now. Yet, I never was proud of this... Recently, I have realised that it is OK to be a multiple. In fact, I almost consider it an advantage... That suppressing it will do nothing, and that if I work together with my multiple, what we can do is beyond imagining.

2. Sarah was and is a lot better of a person that I am, and has greater potential. She's undoubtably smarter, and undoubtably quicker on her feet...

3. That it was just plain fun to be like that.



So, I think I'm going to revert back to last March, and go from there... Is there anything specifically wrong with following my desires? Or, should I try to be normal?