Looking For Closure....

[andi]

My brother was killed in a construction accident about 2 and a half years ago. I was 18 at the time, and he was 19 - so yes, we were very close in age. We grew up together and most of the time we didn't get along...i knwo this is normal, but he had some issues that caused him to be violent on occassion. Anyway, when he died i was devistated to say the least. About 2 months after he passed, i went to college, and ever since i've been trying to get on with my life. Not a day goes by that i don't think of him and regret the way things were and the way i acted. I forgave him a long time ago for the way he was, but i can't seem to forgive myself. I'm also very angry that he died, b/c it wasn't just a freak accident that took his life, it was a bad decision that he made, and i'm sure he knew that what he was doing was stupid. I've never been to the accident sight, but i go to his grave every couple of months. I just don't know how to move on and it's almost like a handicap on my life. I think i'm okay for a while, but i always break down again and it still hurts just as much as the day he died. I still can't believe he's gone, and i don't know how to accept it. I mean in a way i have accepted it b/c i know he's not coming back...but sometimes i just don't believe it. All i really want is to be okay with my brothers passing and know that it's okay to move on with my life. If there is anyone out there who has been through similiar circumstances or has any suggestions i would love to hear them (btw, please don't suggest counseling...been there, done that). In a few months will be his 3rd yr anniversary, and i know that the grieving process takes some time, but i also feel as if my time for grieving his loss is coming to an end...i mean, my friends get tired of hearing about it (actually i don't even talk about it at all anymore) b/c it's like "okay..yea you should be used to him being gone by now..." so yea, again, any help would be appriciated.



Thanks

~Andi~

[Kit]

Yea - I have been there. My uncle Pat died in a Semi truck accident. In october he will be the 2 year anniversery of his death. With me - I don't even bring it up anymore. Although it may seem as if no one cares anymore or they are tired of hearing about it - it's not true. They're just frustrated because it's been so long and they haven't felt as if they've made us feel any better. Talk to your friends and tell them how you feel about their help and then explain why it hurts so much - even after the 3 years. Maybe they'll have more insight for you to help.



If you need to talk - IM me. K?

[Sam]

I have been there too. My grandma died three years ago. I have never really gotten over it. She died of cancer and when it happened I felt so guilty. I never went to the hospital to visit her. I drove by the hospital everyday but never stopped in to visit. I was so mad at her because I had to spend my 17th birthday in the hospital with her. I didn't get to be with my friends. I had to be with her. When she died, I couldn't believe it. Even to this day, I think about her every single day. I like to pretend that she is on vacation and I will see her again some day. She was an avid traveller so it makes sense to me. That is how I chose to deal with death. My advice to you is talk to your friends and parents. Even though they seem to not want to talk about it anymore, that probably isn't true. I know it hurts when you lose someone, but eventually the pain will subside. It takes along time. Another way you could handle it would be to have a journal. Write all of your thoughts and feelings down. That way your getting them out. The worst thing to do is hold your emotions in.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me.

[Wheretogo]

You wanna know something? You proally will never fully accept what happend to your brother and how it happened. You may eventually forgive yourself for the way things were between you two. I know this because its been 3, coming up 4 years since my best friend was killed. Part of me has accepted her death, and how it happened. I know i will never forgive the lady how hit her and killed her. That lady made some bad choices, and it caused someone to die. I will never forgive her, or the court for the lack of consequenses for her.



So you may never forgive yourself, but in time, and i mean a hell of a lot of time, you will accept your brothers death. It will come very very slowly and you proally wont even notice it. It will be things like, you visit his grave a little less, and think about him a little less. Its sad if you think about it like that, but really it means you are accepting his death and are moving on. Like i said, it will take a long time.

[Chica9]

I know what you mean... My dad died last August, from a heart attack. Its like your whole is turned upside down. My parents were still together, but I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. He was sick, and he didn't feel well a lot, which ment he was kind of a grump. I to beat myself up because I feel like my dad didn't know how much I loved him. But then I think about, we are family he KNOWS that I love and he sees how much I miss him everyday. It hasn't been near as long for me, but I understand what your going through. Grieving takes a long time, and I don't believe we ever accepet a loved ones death, we just learn to cope with it, the idea of them not being with us. I have gotten more involved in helping other teens dealing with the death of a parent, it seems to help me out. Makes me feel like through them I am helping myself. Maybe you could give that a try. See if there are any grieving teen groups in your area. If you ever need anything just drop me a line!!

[alina20042]

you said you were in college... look to see if they have low cost or even free counsling... it has been over ten years since my grandmother died and i still deal with it every day of my life... every day will get a little easier... but you need to deal with it... try writing him letters... or get a journal to "talk" to him through... write what ever you feel like telling him...



ETA: a couple of web address you may find usefull that i used for a project...



http://www.childrensgrief.net/info.htm



http://www.kidsource.com/sids/childrensgrief.html

[Barbies are Evil]

my sister died over a year and a half ago and she was violent with me too......and as much as I miss her I can't bring myself to go to her grave....I don't do well in graveyards.....as strong as I am (or at least pretend to be) I can never go to the graveyard where my grandpa, nana and sister are buried.