Rant...I can bike ride in the dark if I want!

[Michie]

Okay, I realize I handled this thing wrong tonight...so I just wanted to get my thoughts out and make sense of them...and comments and suggestions are welcome of course.



I'm getting to old to be doing things like this but the 'judgement' part of my brain (as well as the common sense one) is developing quite slowly on me...I wonder if I am in fact a teenager mind in a 21 year old body.



So, today I had an itch to scratch. I was the kind of teen who never did anything against the law...barely drank, never smoked, never stole...had a few weeks when I had missed my classes (sometimes I was in the building when I missed them), which was because I was moody and depressed and couldn't bear to face people. A relative loner teenager...I barely went out, I never stayed out too late, I had few friends...



But I occassionally have an 'itch' to scratch. See...like many teenagers, I did feel like I needed to spread my wings and be NORMAL, but I couldn't shake it...I was still like a child in mommy's house. I wouldn't argue with her. But I needed to occassionally feel like it was my life and I had the right to do things that I wanted without her permission or approval.



So tonight, I had my 'itch.' Nothing too racy. I wanted to ride my bike. And it was late. So I took my helmet, and bike, and road around the community for about an hour. Yes, I know it's dangerous, and I can get hurt, and last week a car got into an accident with a kid on a bike and the ambulance came. But I needed to get out of my house, and I didn't want to drive a CAR, I wanted something engaging and stimulating...exercise.



So when I came home and my mom and sister asked me where I went, and they nosed for details, I told them the truth, and felt guilty because, duh, it's against mommy's common sense rules to go out alone in the dark, especially BIKE RIDING, which isn't safe. So, tired as I was, and not thinking, I begun arguing with my mother, in front of my 13 year old sister, about how it was my decision and my choice to do what I did, even though I know it was stupid. And why she shouldn't be arguing with me about it...



I shouldn't have argued in front of my sister, in retrospect. Hello, it gives her the idea that it is okay to disobey mom and dad. Now, I know I am 21, but room and board is free, and I probably shouldn't take that for granted...And again, I'm a role model for a 13 year old. So I probably should have just told my mother that "I won't discuss this right now with you. Maybe later or tomorrow" and leave it at that.



But is it SO SO wrong to do something...racy...once in a friggen blue moon? My brother, two years my junior, has gone clubbing, and has probably tried smoking weed and what not, has been using a fake ID for at least three years, and hangs out with friends in our backyard smoking some Middle-Eastern pipe with nicotine stuff in it. Me, well, I've never gone clubbing really, and I have an itch to scratch every once in a while. Being such a loner, the only way I feel I can really be FREE is by going out. On my own (because I'm not close to my friends and they're often all busy). And it ends up being at night, because I'm a night owl. And as a teen, when I felt awful sometimes, I would just...take a walk in the residential streets, alone, to think, and cry...regardless of the dangers that could creep up on me. I don't care.



And yet I have to feel all guilty for 'disobeying' my parents when all I want to do is exercise a bit of independence and do something that makes me feel at peace with myself (and it never does the trick, because they're always breathing down my back). Yes, I realize girls get raped on the streets, and people can get killed, and accidents do happen. Yes, it can happen to me. And if it does, I'll feel stupid...



And I'll want to die and sh*t, because I'll be so embarrassed and I won't want to face my parents or anyone's questions (my parents, my brother, my sister...they all have to ask me about what I do, and why I did it, and why I wasted money on a second toothbrush..etc).



Of course, my brother spends hundreds of dollars on a dozen new collared and polo shirts and that's understandable (because he's a spender), and he drinks illegally and has in the past asked me to buy him alcohol...but my parents barely bat an eye at this stuff, because "It's not life threatening." But me...who, once every two years goes on a lone escapade in the dark streets at 9:00 pm, is strange...weird...and doing something really stupid that has a chance (I don't know the statistic) of getting hurt or raped or killed. And I KNOW this, but I choose to take the risk/danger, because without it, how could I have LIVED? If I keep living in this suburban bubble where nobody can ride a bike later than 8:00 pm or, for heaven sake, go anywhere alone for two seconds unless they have a car (busses are evil and dangerous), I'll end up feeling lose and confused anywhere else in the world where people DON'T live in a friggen bubble but actually LIVE when the sun sets.



Speaking of death...it's not like the world will miss me when I'm gone anyway. And the only people who may 'care' to miss me come in two categories:

1) The ones closest to me-parents, sister, brother - and see how I am a lazy bum who drops out of college all the time and can't clean her room...who sees all the bad things I give out to the world and the disturbance I cause the family

2) The ones who think they're close to me, but really just see me through rose coloured glasses and don't get why I keep dropping out of college when "You're such a brain" and "You got 90s in grade school" and think I am some fantastic person though they have never SEEN anything to prove this.



The third group will only somewhat miss me, and they're the friends who will remember me for how distant and depressed I was, how I never really supported them and only showed up when I felt like it, who never gave people birthday presents and often forgot to wish people happy birthday in the first place...



There's my rants...Oh, and by the way, the good little girl in me made sure to wear a damn helmet. As opposed to the other bikers I saw on the road tonight. My brother has not worn a helmet when bike riding or roller blading in YEARS.



Why must I always be prodded when I go out...and then ridiculed and made to feel guilty for doing something that is different from the norm? My brother, when he does whatever he does, isn't asked every second what he's doing and where he's going and how he's getting there. And I bet he's done things just as dangerous as I have.



My mother also went nuts when I told her how I spent New Years Eve. My best friend's friend, who I had gotten to know, was having some people over at his house. I drove there. I had two or so drinks. And I crashed on the couch. And oh, the hell when my mother found out, because for goodness sakes, I'm too NAIVE...and those boys who also crashed there would rape me. Apparently, even though these boys are good friends of my FRIEND, who is a good judge of character and who I trust with my life, are dangerous.



Okay. No more ranting. I'm done. Hopefully this is the LAST of my rants...or else I'll be in my teenage brain for decades...

[anonymous08]

hey steph.



there's no problem with wanting to do something like that!

i agree with you that you shouldn't argue in front of your sister, and at least you realize it now.

but oh my gosh - i totally understand you on this one, hunn.

every once in a while, something "racy" is completely permissible.

but i'm glad you're looking out for your stability of a place to stay.



it's okay steph.