I had to get this out, I'm sorry for clogging up the forums.

[close my eyes]

I'm sorry everyone, I didnt know where to put this and do ignore it, I don't know where i'm going with this... but here it is..



I have lots going on and no-one to talk about it with, well someone knows some of it, and party wish she din't know but still...



I've fallen for an older guy and there would be a lot of angst if I publicly got together with him, but have liked him for years. I'm scared of getting hurt (and famiy reaction if family found out, I don't even want to think about my mum n dad and uncle and cousin what they'd say/ do. we've just been flirting via txt and I'm v insecure because some days I think why am I doing this and putting mysefl thru it and is he just using me? but on the flipside I need a bit of happiness 2 get me thru the next 6 months of uni.



then comes uni and dissertation and mixture of problem 2 and 3. I really want to do well in my work but am afraid to care about it and have passion 4 it, as I'm scared of failure and letting my supervisor down. I really don't know how she puts up with me after 3 years and been told at a level that @ uni nobody will care about my problems etc etc. And I want to care about it because I do enjoy it but atm I'm not enjoying it because I'm too frightened too? I understand if this makes no sense whatsoever! again I'm sorry.



problem 3 is that I'm too frightened to care about anything or anybody because what and who I've cared for/ about in the past have been taken away from me and I'm scared of it. I'm scared of intamacy too and getting close to anyone, I'd love to fully trust people, but to a certain extent i keep my guard up and however much i care about people, i can't show it because it can be misinterpreted. And innocent people get hurt because however much i'd like to give them that hug I can't because it brings too many things back.



I just want to be able to trust and not be afraid to care about my work and others.



I'm really sorry for clogging the forums with my ramblings that probably sound like nothing.