DarkSoul's Journey

[DarkSoul]

Today is June 10, 2009. A very important day for me. No, its not my birthday, or my last day of school, or anything like that. Today is the day I've decided to stop cutting myself. I owe it all to Alias, without whom I'd probably be bleeding right now.

I began cutting myself sometime in December, and have continued doing so for the last six months. Until now.

If you are interested, congratulations! if not, I suggest you leave.

This page will track my path through the black tunnel of depression, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts. So, thank you Alias, I wouldn't be here without you!

[OverDrive]

That's very good that you're going to stop cutting. You have our support.

[Barbies are Evil]

I want you to know that you can always come here, and we will support, and not judge you. You have a safe place, I hope you can find comfort in that.

[Cindy]

Congratulations on deciding to take this first step. We will be here as long as you need us to be

[Alias]

Congratulations you should be so proud of yourself!!! I look forward to many more posts of a journey I am positive you will travel with so much strength & confidence. As everybody said you have alot of support & you will always find somebody around!!



Congrats again!!!



Alias

[DarkSoul]

6/11/09

Last night was probably one of the hardest of my life. I wanted to watch myself bleed. I longed so desperately for the pain, even if it drew no blood. I had lost the one thing I could control, the one thing that no one knew about me. I couldn't sleep until 2:00am, I was too haunted by the siren-song of my discarded blades. I decided to begin writing down my story, and it hurt so much to think about, but it kept me from physically hurting myself. I am trying to stay strong, but I miss the ruby tears so much!

[Alias]

It's great you made it through your first night. You said that you lost the one thing that you could control, but look at you now ? You took control of your whole life refusing to give in to your urges.



Whenever you feel the urge try and distract yourself with anything. Go out, write, read, listen to music, come online or whatever you want to do to keep you focused.





We are here anytime!!



Alias

[DarkSoul]

ok thank you! I keep trying to distract myself. And its sort of wierd but I wrote mt starting and stopping dates everywhere, and its a good reinforcing reminder. I guess its whatever works.

[nirvana]

That's fantastic, congratulations on taking the first step. If writing down your start and stop dates help you stop, then keep going, do anything that helps you focus on other things. I hope you manage this, keep strong!

[DarkSoul]

Todays my 2 week anniversary! yay! but it sucks like hell. I can't believe I've given this up. I enjoy it so much, even though I"m not suppossed to and people tell me I don't actually. I've come so close to pulling out the scissors so many times, and I"m getting sick of depriving myself. Is it really worth it? I mean, I feel worse and even more helpless now that I don't hurt myself! Somebody please convince me to stay cut-free!

[Barbies are Evil]

is this helping any? getting your feelings out in here? we are here for you, but do you have any other outlet as well? like drawing/painting/writing? or even going for a walk? just something that clears your head

[OverDrive]

That's very very good and I'm proud of you. Yes, it is worth it. Life goes on, changes happen, it's how you deal with those changes that makes us strong. As you've found out, it's harder to refrain from cutting than it is to give into the feeling. The same goes for life, it's easier to end it, but then you don't have it. It's easier to give in, and give up than it is to fight.



Imagine what would happen if we didn't fight the 2 main wars, that are now considered WW1 and WW2. If Hitler got away with everything he did, and we didn't fight, would we be ruled by the Germans? (Sorry, just finished watching Valkyrie)



Anyways, It is worth not cutting, it is worth fighting because you will eventually have a better life (think hard at how it would be had we given up in the Wars, and how freedom would not be the same).



Perhaps displaying something either in your signature, on your computer, or what not may help you.



http://dollylala.webs.com/sibadges.htm



CausticTears has created the above badges that may help you stay SI Free.

[DarkSoul]

Alright. Well, its been three weeks now, and you have all helped me so much. I can't describe how thankful I am.

[Cindy]

3 weeks That is GREAT! I'm so proud of you!

[secrets]

[quote name='DarkSoul' date='10 June 2009 - 05:17 PM' timestamp='1244675867' post='457710']

Today is June 10, 2009. A very important day for me. No, its not my birthday, or my last day of school, or anything like that. Today is the day I've decided to stop cutting myself. I owe it all to Alias, without whom I'd probably be bleeding right now.

I began cutting myself sometime in December, and have continued doing so for the last six months. Until now.

If you are interested, congratulations! if not, I suggest you leave.

This page will track my path through the black tunnel of depression, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts. So, thank you Alias, I wouldn't be here without you!

[/quote]

i hope that you are doing well. and im glad you have decided to stop.

*hugs*

[DarkSoul]

I'm falling into the haze again. I need help. I haven't actually cut myself for about a week since the last time (yes, I started again.) but I don't think that it will last. In fact, I know it won't. I really hate myself. Why do I keep living? I'm just a waste of space...

[Cindy]

Dark you are not a waste of space. You keep living because deep down you know you don't want to die. Your not ready too. You want to have a reason to live. You are your reason to live. It's rough, but you are a good person. Good people fall the hardest and have the roughest time getting back on their feet. I've fallen many many times, and every time I fall I learn another way to keep going. It's life.



You relapsed. It happens. Every addiction is hard to kick that's why it's called an addiction. Keep trying. I don't know anyone who stopped an addiction their first try. Heck I know I haven't.



Keep your chin up girl. Live is meant to be tough. If it wasn't where would be the challenges that we go after that makes life worth living?



You can do it. We've never met, but I KNOW that your strong, otherwise you wouldn't be here. You can fight the urges, you can do it. I believe in you.

[DarkSoul]

I considered suicide about a week ago. Well maybe that's not quite accurate. Suicide simply seemed extremely easy and... appealing. But the really freaky thing is that I haven't had the urge to SI since then. I'm scared it's all going to come back at once. I can only stay numb for so long right? Is this really bad? And please don't just tell me that I'm "a good person for not going through with it" because I know that I'm a really messed-up person, so don't lie.

[DarkSoul]

As of August 30 2010 I am home to stay. No more hospitals, suicide attemps, anything. I feel amazing and I'm so glad to be back