I Doubt Anyone Cares

[alnieve]

Ugg. I feel like shit. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm just not who I want to be. I'm not who I NEED to be. I don't know who I am. And I can't seem to find myself.



I don't know what it is with me. I know this is probably 'normal'. But to this extreme? I just don't understand it. I break down at the most random times. I spend hours just trying and trying to cheer myself up. Or to get myself to DO something. But when I'm like this, I can't motivate myself to do anything.



I can't explain it though. It's more than just a 'mood swing'. It's more than just a 'lack of motivation'. I just don't know what it is. It's me being PATHETIC.



I feel like my life is being pulled in so many directions. And some of those directions I have no control over. And the ones I do have control over are FAR too many. It stresses me out to the point that I seriously cannot handle any situation.



I know I need to make some choices about my future and soon. But I just CAN'T. I'm too AFRAID to take the next step. I'm too AFRAID to stand up for myself and let people know how I'm feeling.



Life's just so hard sometimes. I feel so much like I'm traveling this road alone. I know I'm supposedly not alone in the way I feel. But in reality I am alone. I don't really have close friends I can talk to about these things. The friends I do have are more like acquaintances than friends. It's so frustrating. In my life, I've never been the one that didn't have any friends. But over the past two and a half years or so, it's like I've transformed into a completely different person. I'm trying so hard to accept myself the way I am. And not to pay attention to the little things that bother me. Like not having friends. And making these huge decisions. But I can't. It IS the little things that get to me. It's the little things that I can't handle.



And lately I've been feeling...disgusting. Horribly fat. And ugly. I can't STAND myself. I know how horribly wrong this is. But sometimes I don't WANT to eat at all. I know that's unhealthy. But I absolutely loathe myself when I eat. Any feeling would be better than that.



Tonight is so horrible for some reason. I keep thinking about cutting. And I want to so badly. I haven't wanted it this badly in quite a while. I'm in tears as I write this because I'm FORCING myself not to do it. Which I know is probably good in the long run. But I'm just thinking about how it used to make me feel better. And how nothing I do makes me feel "better" like cutting used to. It's just so hard.



This week is going to be the hardest one I've had in a while. I've got midterms all week. Plus I take my permit test on Wednesday. If I don't pass it... I don't know what I'll do. On Friday I leave for Las Vegas because my softball team is scrimaging a college softball team. It's supposed to help us get recruited. I'm only a junior this year, but it's still SO much to handle. I'm so nervous for it.



I'm just having such a hard time. I know it's not meant to be easy. But it's almost to the point that I can't handle ANYTHING anymore. And I can't stand myself. I hate myself so much. I don't know how to change that. Everytime I try to change it, I fail. And failing gets me to a point even lower than where I started.



Thanks for listening to my rambling. I was sure where this should go...it could have fit into several forums. Move it if you think it belongs somewhere else. I'm sorry this is so long. Thanks again though, if you actually suffered through reading all of this.



Amanda

[ShawnRisk]

I feel the same about everything, right now.. I have been going through this for quiet sometime and with nothing really helping me out.. What I have learned is that without friends that understand you, nothing can go right..



Seems like no one around can help out, but you will find that person that understands you more then the next and want to be around so much.. Time is just the question, and you just have to be open to letting people in...



As for cutting, I feel the same thing right now, and I know you shouldn't do it, but makes you feel so much better inside... Cutting is not right as everyone has told you before, but makes you feel like you are getting something out there... People are finally seeing you, and they notice you even if you are doing the wrong thing...

[Anna_Banana]

you are not alone...i'm here for you. if you need to talk you can pm me. i'm always here. cutting wont help it go away...it will only cause more problems in the long run. because then you will be stuck back on that along with all this. i felt just like you are feeling right now...depressed, alone, scared, along with many other things. but i got through it, and i know you can. school is very stressful. but you dont have much longer to go and you'll be out. i'm sure you will do great with your permit. just relax. and you've proved something with posting this. you CAN say how you feel..and that someone is here for you when you need to talk. and i can be that person. only if you want me to be. i will listen to anything you have to say and i will help the best i am capable of. just remember you are not alone unless you want to be. *HUG*