So Messed Up

[Michie]

What the #$%@ is wrong with me?



For such a long time I've been trying to figure it out.

I have a bf. He's nice, he's caring, and yet I constantly do all these things that make up upset and drive him nuts. I get all these nice jobs, and then I screw them up by not being assertive enough or doing this or that wrong, or just by being uncomfortable in the situation and freezing.



I don't know what to do with myself anymore. For years I have had high expectations of myself, and they are constantly thrown down when I realize I'm not a good human being.



From what I see, people who are successful, in real life, are assertive, make things they want happen, have good communication skills, have good social skills, are independent, make their own choices, and can organize their life. Meanwhile, I am easygoing, passive, practically a non-doer. My personality, as I see myself, is so passive it's impossible to survive with it, in the real world. I give in to practically everyone's wishes so taht they'll be happy, and also, because usually I don't stress my opinions on other people. I practically don't have any opinions of my own. And if I did have any, I wouldn't know how to use them.



I feel so useless. And like a failure. And I know complaining isn't going to help anything. I guess I do need advice. Which I have asked for all the time...but usually I don't listen to other people's advice when they suggest how I can be a better human being.



That's odd, because I'm so dependent on other people's ideas and opinions that I can barely live without someone telling me what to do. Like yesterday. My bf, at some point or another, probably told me NOT to get his mom a gift for her bday. Two days ago, I'm thinking...what small thing can I get her...like, a card, and maybe flowers at most...so my mom comes in and suggests to get her a 20 dollar gift certificate for a book store.



And I listen to her. And give it to my bf's mother. My bf is now pissed at me for not listening to him. While I listened to my mom, because I figured...if I come home with the gift still in hand, that will show I hesistated (and I did) to give the gift and now I will be a fool and I will have to give the gift the next time.



See the problem? I can't make any decisions on my own, so it seems. Except if they are the last minute. And my bf hates that I always change plans, change my mind, and that I am never ever sure of myself or my decisions or whatever comes out of my mouth. Add to that the fact that, whenever we talk, everything I do say is stupid, sometimes incoherent, but most of the time, its just contradictory. Either I'm saying something opposite to what I said two days ago, or I'm using awful logic, jumping to conclusions abotu things, and most of all making the conversation go down the drain.



Does anyone have suggestions? I'm sorry...I dind't know where to put this message. I just am so out of whack lately, not incontrol of my life or anything, and it hurts to spend another minute alive knowing how big of a failure I am and how, with my personality, I will never succeed in the real world.



What do I do to become assertive? Actually have an opinion and impose it on other people? Make decisions and stick to them...not have to waver because two days later I realize I made the wrong decision?



help, please

[xJuliex]

You sound like my dad. He's passive too...a people pleaser. He does everything for everyone because he can't say no. It's really bad.

What I think you need is a friend that will stand up for you. When someone or something tries to push you around, they can support you. They can help you have your own opinions about things. Have discussions with her on politics, and issues like abortion and stuff, so you can stand up for your opinion.

Good luck with everything and if you need anything else, I'm here.