I'm Tired Of This

[Jesykah ^_^]

I'm tired of being so insecure. I don't know why I even am anymore. I'll feel beautiful sometimes, and my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful but it just seems to have no affect on me. I'll see other girls and get jealous. We were at the beach last week and some girls walked by in their bathing suits and I was with my boyfriend, and I just got really depressed because I thought maybe he might be looking at them. He tried to assure me that I was so much more beautiful than them, but nothing seemed to help. I'm just not confident at all, I feel like I don't matter, and I'm just so jealous/insecure. I also can't stop thinking about my boyfriends ex-g/f because yesterday he said something about how he was glad I didn't have "cucumber melon" bodyspray because it reminded him of her. It just kinda... got to me, for some reason. I'm always thinking he's comparing me to her. And I know that was his past, but he kinda broke up with me somewhat for her, and that just hurts really, really bad.



And then theres the fact of girls on TV. God, they all look so perfect... how do I compare to that? I know my boyfriend will never meet these girls... but gosh, it makes me feel like he expects me to look like that... or rather I should look like that or something.



Same thing with "porn". It kills me to know that my boyfriend has porn tapes. I don't want him to expect me to look all perfect in that way either. It just hurts me.



I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of being unhappy with my looks and I just want to do whatever possible to build my self-esteem. I just don't know how. I need your help. I really do. I'm scared that soon I'll do something really stupid...

[turtbub]

Girls on TV and in porn have the blessed privelage of AIR BRUSHING. Honey, they don't really look like that. And the ones that actually do are fabulously rich and work out six hours a day seven days a week with personal trainers who are scary and intense.



Real people don't look like that. And real people are beautiful too.



To build your self esteem, make a list of things you love about yourself. Also, every morning and night and throughout the day when you feel inadequate say "I am good enough for me and anyone else in this whole world. I'm beautiful and amazing. And good enough."



Because it's true, dear, you are.

[Jesykah ^_^]

I can't make myself believe that though, and to me sometimes words aren't enough. Telling myself something and actually believing it are two way different things. Just like when my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful... sure, it feels really good and makes me smile but... it doesn't just completely make me forget about everything. I've just come to the point where I think it's a lost cause, and I'm never going to feel ok again. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[turtbub]

That's why you say it repeatedly over and over. If you say something enough, and you say it as a fact, it will stick in your head.

[Jesykah ^_^]

I just don't see it happening. I'm not secure with myself at all. When my boyfriend is here, for the most part I am fine. But alot of the time I'll feel like I have to have him there, and he can't always be here because he lives almost an hour away. It just drives me crazy. There are actually some days where I'll feel pretty, and actually I don't even think its my looks that I'm unhappy about. I think it's me, as a person, that I'm unhappy about. I hear that I'm beautiful enough... maybe I need someone to tell me how good of a person I am on the inside rather than the outside.

Hmm...

Maybe that's what it is...

[turtbub]

That actually makes a lot of sense. You are okay with your OUTER beauty but because no one ever says you're beautiful on the inside it also makes you uncomfortable with yourself all around.



Just be yourself, let your inner light shine. People will love you.



And, if it helps, you are gorgeous on the inside.

[Jesykah ^_^]

Eh. I tried to mention it with my boyfriend and he was sarcastic about it (Well, it seemed like he was sarcastic) and he just said "Well how are people supposed to know you're a good person. It's not like you help the homeless or something". So, that didn't make me feel much better. And I tried to explain to him that it was just that I sorta didn't feel appreciated, and he just said that he appreciated me, which is something I feel he is somewhat obligated to say, so... eh. I left it alone and figured it was a lost cause even trying to discuss it with him since he didn't understand. I mean, he's one of those people that pushes all of his feelings aside rather than talk about them. So... eh.



Thanks for your help though. Really.

[turtbub]

He shouldn't have talked to you like that, Jessica. You were brave and came to him honestly with something that was bothering you and he shouldn't have brushed it off.



However, something he said IS true. Doing good things for others always boosts my self esteem. Helping charities or joining service clubs, things like that, those will make you feel beautiful inside because you'll know you're helping others.



Don't let it go if it's bothering you, dear. You should be able to talk to your boyfriend about anything and he should care and support you. Sit him down and explain that you're really upset over this and see how he handles it.



And you're welcome, dear. It's my pleasure.



<3 Hannah

[Jesykah ^_^]

See that's what I love about this site. I get to help people and it makes me feel good for helping other people. And it actually helps me temporarily forget about my problems. Which is why I'm going to either be a counselor or a psychiatrist when I get older.



*Sighs*



And I really wish I could join some kind of clubs or something because it'd keep me occupied.... but there's nothing like that around here. I live in a really, really small town. I mean, really small. There's nothing to do.



I just feel so helpless. I hardly slept last night at all. It's ripping away at me... and I'm scared that soon I'm going to do something really stupid... :'(

[turtbub]

There has to be some sort of charity near you. Do an internet search for charities in your area. I'm sure some will come up.



And I think you'll make a lovely counselor.



Don't do something stupid, dear. If you are seriously considering it call a helpline. I'll search for one and post it here in a minute, okay?



Here you go: http://www.neoteenhelp.org/



Hang in there.

[Jesykah ^_^]

Thanks. I think maybe I just need to find things to keep me occupied throughout the day. And no, I'm *sure* there's no kind of clubs or charities that I could get into around here. Even if there were, it'd have to be atleast 15 minutes away and I wouldn't ever have a way to get there or anything. I guess I'm going to have to just start cleaning the house every day or doing something to keep myself occupied. Because now, my boyfriend has a job and he works from like 6 Am to 6 Pm and I've got nothing to do over here. Ever. Ever. Ever. Just play X-box and watch TV and get on here. So, I guess I'm just going to have to find something to do that I'm interested in. Something. I'm driving myself insane. I've got a headache from thinking so hard and ah. It's horrible.

[turtbub]

Why don't you get a job of your own? Or hang with some other friends? Or take up a new random hobby like learning a new language or reading a whole book series or writing an autobiography?



All of these things will fill time and keep you from thinking bad things.

[Jesykah ^_^]

Yeah, I think as soon as I make a little bit of money to buy a photo album/scrap book I'm going to start making a scrap book starting from like, when I was in 4th grade (because I've got all these pictures, and nothing to do with them!). Right now my main project is keeping the house clean. My dad told me that if I keep the house clean that he'll give me like $20 a week. Hell, that's not much, but it's good. I don't really need money, (ok well, I do), and $20 is plenty for me. Although, even if my dad tries to give me money I probably won't accept it because thats the type of person I am. Eh. I'm rambling. Anyway, I think I've got it under control now. I had a really bad "low" last night and thought of suicide, but today I seem just fine for some reason. Eh. Weird. I know.



Thanks for all your help, really, I'm serious. It means so much to me that you care enough to give me advice.

[turtbub]

You're welcome, love. Like I said, it's my pleasure to help.



That sounds like an awesome idea. If you need any tips/suggestions for scrapbooking, feel free to PM me. I adore scrapbooking and know lots of fun crafty things you can do if you'd like. Otherwise, just have a wonderful time scrapbooking.



Glad you've pulled out of your low point, dear.



<3 Hannah