My Tribute To Josh

[XTorn2PiecesLPX]

Becky actually gave me this idea.....As most of you know i lost a best friend to suicide as well....Heres the story of my Josh.



He and Josh ment in the 6th grade, We were both just little middle schoolers who didnt know anything. We wernt very close to begin with. He was into metal at the time and i was into N*sync. But we still talked. I completely blame him for my love of metal music, and hes the one who turned me into his "little gothic princess" as he called me.



After middle school, I was accepted to a highschool across town, and he went to a local public school. Me and Josh stayed in touch though. Half way through my freshmen year, I decided i hated my school, and asked my parents if i could go to the local public school. They said yes and me and Josh were together again. Both dressed in all black with headphones blasting bands such as Slipknot and metallica walking through the halls of out highschool.



My grandpa died my softmore year of high school, Josh was there for my holding my hand through it all. I couldnt of made it through those times with out him. Thats when i started cutting. Josh hated it. He told me that when i hurt myself he hurt inside. but life went on. our junior year, Josh started dating one of my best girlfriends. I thought it was the most perfect thing ever, until she hurt him. Thats when he started cutting. For a while me and him had a support group for each other, If he wanted to cut hed call me and vise versa. And it worked, at the time.



We graduated together, went to parties together in the beginning of the summer and everything. Things were GREAT. We saw each other all the time and no one was gonna change that. Even though he had another girlfriend who i didnt like, we were still always together.



The day Josh called me and told me that Jenn had broken up with him was hard. It seemed nothing i was saying was calming him down. He was hystarical, screaming and crying, i had never seen him like that. So I went to his house to try and help him.



I walked into his house and i didnt see him. I walked around his kitchen and living room and went to his bed room. On my way to his bedroom I heard him in the bathroom. I opened the door and what i saw i will never forget. He was sitting in a pool of his own blood with a razor knife sitting next to him. He had his hands over his head and his head in his lap. I ran over to him and picked his arms up frm over his head. I got blood all over myself. Josh has cut each arm and wrist so badly that it was too the bone. I didnt even think, I grabbed him up off the floor, letting him lean on me, i walked him as fast as i could out to my car. I sat him down in the front seat, ran back in the house. I grabbed as many towles as i could and ran out to the car. I was trying to hold my composer as i was driving. All that kept running through my mind was "Molly, save his life..."



When we got to the hospital. I parked the car as close as i could to the doors in a non parking zone but i didnt care. I ran out helped josh into the hospital. I was soaked in blood and so was he. I walked in the hospital and I screamed "somebody please help him!!!" Some people came and got him and rushed him into a room. They told me that I had to stay in the waiting room and I said no, i told him that i was staying right beside Josh no matter what.



We got into the room and the doctors got him stabilized, but couldnt get the bleeding stopped. By then my mom had gotten home from work and was worried about where i was. I explained to her when had happened. She told me to come home, that the doctors would take care of it. I hesitated to come home, but i had to obey my mother. I went in and told Josh that I had to go for a while but I would be back soon. He said ok and as i was talking outta the room, He said my name. I turned around and looked at him and he said "I love you my little gothic princess." I said i love you too and walked outta the room. I would of said so much more if i knew that was gonna be the last time i saw him alive.



On my way home, His mom called me. the hospital must of called her or something. But i explained everything that heppened and she told me that she was there with Josh. That made me feel better. I got home and was so worried that all i did was walk around my house. I finally tome my non at 9:40 that i was leaving. On the way I called his mom to tell her that i was on my way.



When i got to the hospital, I walked in the doors and was walking up to the receptionests desk when his mom came out of the eleavatior crying. I looked at her and said "Whats wrong?!" She hugged me and said that Josh was gone. I stood there for a second, dumbfounded. She told me that he was pronounced dead at 9:47 pm. I looked at my watch and it was 9:59. I was 12 minutes late. I broke out crying and fell to my knees in the middle of the lobby in the hospital. I was pounding on the floor screaming "No, this cant be happening, Wheres my Josh." After staying with his parents at the hospital for a while, sitting in the lobby crying, I drove home.



I walked in my house and my mom said "Is everything ok?" I broke down crying again and said Josh is gone. she hugged me as i cried for a few minutes. Then i went up to my room and layed on my bed for hours stairing at the walls and crying. It was the worst day ever, and I had two more bad days to go.



I went to the showing with my boyfriend and josh's ex girlfriend. Everyone was crying and when i walked in I felt numb. Like it wasnt real. My bf hugged me and said that it was gonna be ok and walked me up to the casket where my best friend was laying lifeless......Everyone said he looked happy and peaceful. I though he looked cold and lonely. All I could think about was Its my fault, if i would of gotten there sooner.......i could of saved him.



I was looking at my best friend waring his typical jack from the nightmare before christmas t shirt and leans with his short black hair spiked up and black eyeliner he always wore.. His wrists were covered with bandages. His face looked cold. It was my Josh, but then again is wasnt. I reached down to touch his hand, it was so cold. Like nothing i had ever felt before. I held his hand and put my forehead against his and cried so hard. His mom walked up behind me and touched my shoulder. I looked at her, her eyes were to cold and dark. She had never looked like that before. I hugged her.



the next day at the funeral, I saw with his ex girlfriend. The service started. before hand his mom had asked me to say a few words or do something at his funeral. and i told her i would. the minister said my name and told the people what I did and then he asked me to come up to the front to say my few words. I said that i was going to sing one of me and Josh's favorite songs.....Fade to Black, by Metallica.



Life it seems, will fade away

Drifting further every day

Getting lost within myself

Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live

Simply nothing more to give

There is nothing more for me

Need the end to set me free



Things are not what they used to be

Missing one inside of me

Deathly lost, this can't be real

Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me

To the point of agony

Growing darkness taking dawn

I was me, but now He's gone



No one but me can save myself, but it's too late

Now I can't think, think why I should even try



Yesterday seems as though it never existed

Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye



I managed to hold it together for the song, but after that i lost it. I sat back down in my seat. A few more people got up and said stuff about him. Most people said things about his caring. josh was the kind of person that if he cared about you, he wouldnt stop ever. And he would do anything for the people he cared about.



After the service ended we were walking out to the cars to go to the cemitary. I few people stopped me and told me strong of a person I am and thanked me for all I did for him.....All I could think about was how it was my fault. After everyone started leaving, I stayed behind with his family and watch as they put my best friend into the ground. I stood there and cried so hard my eyes hurt.....That was the worst feeling ive ever felt.....I will always miss josh, ill never forget him....



Thanks for reading this whole big thing.......I just home it shows how much suicide really affects peoples lives and how much it hurts and Im hoping it changes some peoples out looks about acting on suicide. Talk to someone b4 you do. Its not worth it.............

[BittersweetSurrender]

*runs up to you and hugs you very very tight* that was beautiful. I know exactly how you feel (okay not exactly because the stories aren't the same, but very very close lol). Josh is proud of you, I know it.







Stay strong and take care,



~*becky*~

[Lena]

Your story touched me so much. I just wanted to say that I read, I care, and I hope it helps someone out there.



Take care,



Lena.

[XTorn2PiecesLPX]

Sorry if its triggering Liz, you can edit it if you want to or if its needed. I just had to get it outta my system completely ya know? thanks for reading.

[LilyMaid]

That is an extremely moving story. You are a very brave person and you were a truly great friend to Josh. I hope you live your life as Josh would have wanted you to.



Take care of yourself.