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How To Cope When A Friend And Loved One Dies.

by | Sep 25, 2003 | Family/Friends

My wager is that most, if not all, of us have unfortunately had someone we loved very much die. Some of the loved ones have died in their old age, peacefully, while others have had deaths that make no sense to us, such as in the Columbine school shooting, and other school tragedies. The pain that we feel when one of our friends dies is very real and very heartbreaking. We go through each day, unsure of anything and confused about why we’ve been left here when our friends had to leave this earth. I know when I lost my dearest friend, I never felt so alone and maybe even angry at the world, my family, and even my friend. How do we survive they pain that death puts us through?

I think that the most important thing we must do is to forgive ourselves for the death. We are not responsible, and I don’t think our friends would want us to blame ourselves for something that we had no control over, do you? We can’t control life, we can’t control what other people do, and we can’t control who lives or dies. We can’t even control the emotions that we go through when someone close to use dies. Many times, there are feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness and isolation. Our emotions happen to us, not the other way around.

I lost my brother to death, so I know how much guilt you’re going through and how much pain you feel when you lose someone you didn’t expect to lose, but you know what? Each and every one of us are here on this earth for a purpose and I don’t believe that any of us die before we have accomplished that goal. I, for instance, even attempted suicide several times and always failed, before I realized that I really wanted to live. Do you know why I think I failed? I failed because I have yet to accomplish they purpose that I have on this earth. The same goes for you; you’re still here because you haven’t accomplished your purpose yet.

Our friends who die before us, on they other hand, must have accomplished their purpose that they had for living. I don’t know what that purpose is right now because I don’t know your friends. Maybe it was to help a certain friend out of a bad time, or maybe it was as simple as experiencing happiness. Either way, once they had accomplished their goal, they didn’t need to be there anymore, so they went to a place that offers him or her all they happiness, love and security they could ever need. Why do some of our good friends have to die in fights, or in violent ways that they had absolutely no control over? I don’t know; I wish I did, but what matters is not how they died, but just they fact that they were here for a reason and that they didn’t die for no reason, they died because they accomplished their purpose, even if they didn’t yet know what was their purpose.

Something else that has given me comfort whenever I’ve lost a close friend to death is writing letters. It may sound silly right now, but believe me, writing letters to our friends could help you feel so much closer to them again and it would help you come to terms with their death. You could write whatever you’d like to tell them and get all of your feelings out. My great grandmother, the person I loved most in this world, died when I was eight years old and I still write her letters, every year on her birthday, because it helps me remember that even though she may not be physically here, she’s not out of my life either, and it helps keep the love I feel for her alive.

In addition to writing your friend letters, I think all of us who lose loved ones to death need to talk with someone; maybe your school counselor, maybe your mom, maybe another trusted relative, maybe your youth minister, but someone whom you can trust. Conversation is they stepping stool to healing but silence leads only to dire consequences and more pain, and you don’t deserve that. Your friend would not want you to continue living in so much pain, would they?

Also, remember that God loves you. We don’t always understand why He allows certain things to happen, but He knows they future and we don’t, so it’s best to trust Him, and He love us more than we could ever even love each other. Remember His son died on a cross: He understands your pain more than I ever could, and they’ll be right there to help you get through it.

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